A Perennial Flirt Flourishes as a Single Mom

Q: Where are you from?
I grew up all over the place, as my Dad was in the Army.  We started out in Minnesota, then went south, east, and super-east, when we went to Germany.  My daughter and I now live in Portland, Oregon, my home for the past eight years.

Q: What have been some of the most difficult challenges of solo parenting and how did you deal with them?
The hardest thing is handling everything.  Conversely, that's also one of the best things.  When you're tired from a long day of work, sometimes the last thing you want to do is clean up or give the kid a bath or make an elaborate meal.  Some sharing of the duties would be nice.  Though, handling everything yourself means you don't have conflicts over the decisions you make.  If you want to veg out and eat a frozen pizza for dinner, you don't have a partner to complain!  For me, I have always insisted on living in a house with a yard so I can grow my own food.  So usually that means having a roommate to help with the higher costs of that lifestyle.  And that also means getting some help with house chores.  

Q: What are 3 things you do to maintain a healthy balance in your life?
Wow, life moves so fast, especially with a child, that I wonder if I am maintaining a balance with the push and the pull of life and work and school and writing deadlines...   But I do insist on indulging in activities that nurture my happiness.  I try to work out several times a week, and usually I make the workouts intersect with spending quality time with my daughter. So we go on bike rides and hikes, or sometimes I just run alongside her as she learns to ride a bike without training wheels.  She's also started doing yoga with me! I also dig in the dirt a lot.  Growing my own food makes me feel like I have more control over my world.  Also, I try to go out with friends once a week or so.  I love being a parent, but I do need to commune with other adults about one in every seven days!

Q: How has being a single mom shaped the way you are raising your daughter?
I think my daughter is never going to allow anyone else to be responsible for her happiness.  I live my life by that premise, and I hope it becomes ingrained in her too.  When her father and I were together, I think I put my happiness in his hands too often, and that was just silly.  

I write a lot about self-sufficiency on my blog.  I think being a single parent has made me an expert in this field! So whether my daughter ends up in a long-term marriage or spends her life alone, I want her to know that she doesn't need anyone else to validate her or tell her where to seek joy.

Q: What advice would you give to suddenly singles that are getting back into the dating game?
Take your time!  It's so easy as a single parent to dive deeply into a relationship, because it serves your need for a partner to help with the logistics of life.  It's lonely being a single parent, and I've seen lots of us start another long-term relationship soon after leaving their co-parent.  But that doesn't give you time to learn who you really are again!  You've likely changed a lot since you had your child, and your picture of the ideal man/woman may have changed drastically.  But if you don't take time to reflect, you may end up falling into the same patterns you fell into before.

When you do start dating, I recommend waiting a bit before you introduce the child and the new love.  That is not to say you keep the kid a secret -- that should be out in the open right away!  But for my child's sake, I usually don't mention or introduce a new love to her until at least a few dates have gone by.  I think it would be just too confusing for my daughter to see a revolving door of men who may or may not stick around.  

Q: What are some of your rules that Single Moms (and Dads) should live by?
Take time for happiness.  Plan a weekly event that you and your child can look forward to, like a library day or pizza night.  You have a lot of burdens, but don't let the precious moments slip by.  That also means taking time for yourself.  And don't be afraid to seek help when you need it.  

Q: What is the single most important lesson you learned by being a single mom?
Your resilience to weather life's storms is as strong as your love for your child.    

Q: What do you love about being single?
I love that no one else is in charge but me!  Does that make me a control freak?  Maybe.  But if I didn't make the bed this morning, or if I choose to fly off to the coast for the weekend, no one gets to protest.  OK, maybe the kid will...

And I have to admit, I'm kind of a perennial flirt -- something I can't do when I'm strapped down!

Q: Best reads you recommend to single moms?
I read Ms. Single Mama and Modern Single Momma's blogs a lot, because they're a lot like me, I think.  I also recommend reading Raising a Revolutionary if you're interested in self-sufficiency and single parenting.

As for books, "Eat, Pray, Love" has helped me back from despair time and time again.  Elizabeth Gilbert was not a single parent, but she did succeed in finding true happiness after a devastating divorce.  

Q: Any other words of wisdom?
You are not alone!  If you feel like you're the only one living the way you do, find ways to connect with like-minded people.  The blogs I mentioned above have been great resources to me to find community.   

And enjoy your child's childhood -- it's going to go so fast...