Brenda Della Casa

Q: Your book “Cinderella Was a Liar” suggests that Prince Charming is a fairytale. Why do you think this is an important message single women must come to grip?
Good question! The first reason women need to accept this is that Prince Charming is a character in a fairytale.  Just like Santa Claus and unicorns, the idea of a perfect man who says and does all of the right things, puts the toilet seat down, never sneaks a peek at porn, has plenty of money, and the desire to swoop in and whitewash our lives is appealing so why wouldn't we want it?  On the flipside, most men would love a Jessica Alba look-a-like with a Ph.D who never complains about his dirty socks, has Martha-like cooking skills and a love of Modern Warfare, but does that mean you should have to meet these requirements to find love?  Of course not! That’s why fantasies are fantasies, they’re a fun escape from reality.  All women, not just single women, need to know that there is no perfect human being on this planet.  We all have flaws, insecurities, fears, pet-peeves and quirks and there will be times these things will corrode our relationships.  Love isn’t about being perfect, it’s about working around the imperfections and accepting another person for who they are.

Q: What are some of the other misleading fairy-tale myths that single women should do away with?
There are quite a few but I will share the ones I believe are to be the most damaging by telling women the truth.

Your Life Has Significance Regardless of Your Romantic Status:  Single women are absolutely vilified in this society—by the media, by the movies, by one another and by themselves when, in fact, we all need to spend some time getting to know who we are and enjoying the freedom that comes with total independence (and the ability to twirl around the dance floor with a variety of suitors without the slightest bit of shame) before we settle on just one other person.  Being single isn’t something to be ashamed of and by perpetuating this idea, we teach women that they are not good enough to stand on their own.

No One Completes You:  You are a whole, viable and complete human being all on your own.  While we might love Jerry Maguire-esque lines, we pay a big price for romantic lines such as “you complete me.”  If we take off the rose-colored glasses and wipe our misty eyes we will notice the fine print under that heavy statement which is,  “I am incomplete without you; I am not a whole human being until someone else comes along and wants to do the daunting work of filling up what is missing.  Then, if something happens and it doesn’t work out, I am incomplete once again.”   How chaotic and depressing is that?

No One Is Going To Swoop In and “Save” You: Sure, most people want to rush in and save a drowning man but there’s always the fear and risk that that person will drown you in the process.  Victims get attention and pity but you're looking for healthy, sexy, respectful love so stand on your own two feet and slay your own dragons.

There is No Such Thing as “Love at First Sight”:  There is a big difference between chemistry, lust and love and the latter takes time.  You cannot truly love someone you do not know and getting to know someone doesn’t happen in a date or two, even if they tell you “everything.” Also, beware of men who look to rush into things, say "I love you" on the third date or pressure you to move in four months down the line as these gestures are not romantic, they're red flags.

You Have Dozens of “Soul Mates”:  Fate and destiny are romantic in theory, but the idea that there is just one person on this entire Earth for you is limiting in practice; it’s also untrue. 

Q: Care to share some top dating mistakes women make based on what you learned from the men you interviewed?
Most men like women who are respectful of themselves and others, and their dating deal-breakers revolve around this preference.  This means that most women who sleep with the first man to buy her a few drinks at the bar isn’t going to be meeting grandma anytime soon, and those who expect men to pay for every little thing, treat cab drivers and waiters with disdain or share every last secret on the first date likely won’t get called for a second one.  A lot of men also take issue with women who want to fast-forward the relationship.  Getting to know one another takes time so a woman who is too clingy or ready to walk down the aisle after two weeks makes them wonder if she is interested in him or the fact that he’s a male interested in her.   No one is suggesting you “play games” but always keep in mind that both men and women like to know what they have in their life is something of value, so giving everything away up front –your body, your secrets or your commitment-makes them wonder  how much you value yourself.


Q: What’s the number one lie women must stop telling themselves?
In order to live their best lives and be their best selves, women need to accept that their worth, value and the significance of their life is not determined by their relationship status.  It is essential that women understand that their life has significance because it is their life.  Not only will this understanding help them to appreciate their friends, accomplishments and talents much more but also have them walking with more confidence and respecting the life they have created for themselves—and that is very attractive.

Q: Sleeping with someone too soon may be a relationship killer but should women be suspicious when things in the sex department don’t seem to be starting?
Common sense is a great indicator of what is normal and what’s not.  That said, if he’s not clawing your clothes off on date three, he might want to but not be sure about how you feel.  That said, I have not met a man who doesn’t want to sleep with a beautiful woman he’s interested in so if it’s been a few weeks and he hasn’t made a move, something’s up. 

Q: What advice would you give to all the women out there who are caught up in finding Mr. Rich rather than Mr. Right?
When a man buys a woman he’s aware of it, and remember we can treat our possessions as we choose.  If you’re willing to be bought, be willing to pay the price, and be willing to be tossed aside when he decides to buy a newer, shinier model.  I have very little tolerance for men and women who use others and look for meal tickets. If you want to be rich, educate yourself, work hard and achieve financial success on your own—then, you might buy your own shoes but you’ll also call the shots in your own life.


Q: As young girls we are told there is someone for everyone...Do you agree?
I think there is more than just someone, I think there are dozens—even hundreds of people roaming this Earth who will share your values, love your laugh and fall madly in love with you.  Are they perfect? No.  Are the relationships going to be like the movies? Nope. Relationships are hard work and sometimes they are boring and stressful and shared with people we don’t always understand.  If you want to find a happy, healthy relationship, you must cultivate one with yourself and then work around the fact that no person on this planet will be exactly who you want them to be 100% of the time.


Q: You list the twelve types of women men will never date. How do explain why so many guys are into the not-so-nice type women?
Let me clarify something; most men are not into the not-so-nice types of women but most men like to sleep with women whether they are nice or not.  If you’re just looking to get called once or only after 11:00PM on the weekends, be rude.  That said most men enjoy the process of impressing a woman and working a little bit for her attention so while you shouldn’t be bitchy, don’t lay down in front of them with the word “welcome” on your forehead either.  The best advice I can give women is to carry yourself with respect, hold onto your own opinions, create a life you’re passionate about and know that the right person for you will enhance that life by bringing their best into it.

Q: Any other words of wisdom you care to share with our readers?
One of the things I appreciate so much about our male counterparts is their ability to recognize and enjoy a date for what it is; a night out with someone who may or may not be right for them.  Not only does this make the nights out more fun but it also takes a lot of pressure off of themselves and the other person.  Too many single women approach every date like it should be their last and take it as a massive rejection when it isn’t and this is one of the main reasons dating becomes so daunting.  The reality is that finding a partner isn’t easy for a reason—you’re a unique individual and that means not every person you meet is going to suit you.  That said, 10 bad dates doesn’t confirm that you’re doomed to a life of loneliness. If you find yourself overwhelmed or burned out, take a couple of months “off” and date yourself.  Take yourself out to dinner, go on a trip with friends, volunteer, redecorate your place, take a class of some kind or challenge yourself by signing up for a triathlon.  We do not always need to be focused on a guy or finding a guy to be female.  Ironically, when we take this approach is when men find us most attractive.

Visit Brenda at CinderellawasaLiar.com