Certified Advice from a Canadian Life Coach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What is the difference between therapy and life coaching?
Simply put, Coaching is where you work with someone to understand yourself and then redesign your environment and your life around your values. And the key to coaching is taking action to implement your dreams - with someone supportive to encourage and hold you accountable as you do it.
So, both therapy and coaching have a place. But while THERAPY heals the past, COACHING designs the future.

Q: Based on your experience, what is the biggest challenge your single clients face today and what advice do you give them to help them overcome the issue?
One of the biggest challenges my clients face today is simply accepting and learning to love themselves AS THEY ARE right now! Now, obviously as a life-coach I believe it's important we improve ourselves and our lives; learn new skills, align our lives with our values and be happier. But I wish everyone thought they were fabulous ALREADY! Especially singles.

I believe society's pressure on singles to conform and find a partner is because singledom makes NON-singles feel uncomfortable. I don't know if this discomfort stems from religion, tradition, dreaded sympathy, a fear of singles stealing' hard-won partners or simply awkward numbers at the dinner table but I do wonder, if society was FULLY accepting of singledom would singles be happier? Try asking yourself and see.

So, while singledom may make NON-single people uncomfortable, don't let it make YOU uncomfortable! Instead love yourself and your life as they are right now. Enjoy your life now - because each moment, once passed, cannot be lived again. Why waste it?

Q: What are some of the trends you are noticing when it comes to singles throughout Canada?
I am seeing more people having the courage to end unsatisfying relationships which is ultimately good news - whether you are the person ending the relationship or on the receiving end. I just wish people would trust their gut instincts and do it earlier it's better for everyone!

I have also noticed more and more singles who would like a partner taking a pro-active approach to finding someone. The explosion of dating websites, matchmaking agencies, speed-dating whilst in some ways may reinforce the fear that we're not complete until we have a partner – also provide many more avenues for finding someone than ever before. And in this busy world, I think that's a great thing!

Finally, something I see a lot of is people looking for their ‘perfect match.' It even seems that this is encouraged by making lists of the qualities we're looking for or creating a vision board of our ideal partners. But these tools are there to help you FOCUS on what you really want and to help you discard people who are not suitable – NOT to magic the perfect partner into existence!

So, if you meet someone who FEELS RIGHT maybe you should stop looking for something ‘better' and take a closer peek at what you have. If they meet MOST of your checklist and they don't have any deal-breakers, give them a go! Especially if they're not your ‘usual' type! I'm not talking about settling for less than you deserve, just STOP LOOKING FOR PERFECTION!

Q: How can individuals get over social pressures of getting married and learn to embrace their independence?
There's a simple answer to this one: Stop worrying what other people think! Instead of doubting yourself, focus instead on:

• What's great about you
• What's great in your life and
• What's great about being single

As a single, you have no-one to answer to, no-one to check-in with, no-one else to cook for or clean up after or to explain your spending to, no-one else's opinions, likes and dislikes to take into account when making plans. You can truly do what you want, when you want. And unlike those in relationships, you have space to truly get to know yourself, with no distractions. So, stop worrying what other people think - don't take on their baggage. Instead ENJOY being single because for the vast majority of people, it WON'T last!

Q: How can individuals get over the dating jitters?
Here are some helpful pointers to remember:
1. Your date is probably as nervous as you ARE - because however many dates you've been on each one is different! And if your date doesn't seem nervous it's because they've just had more practice - at hiding it! Remember your date WANTS to have a great time and is hoping you will both get along. Otherwise they would be at home!

2. YOU'RE FABULOUS AS YOU ARE. Not everyone will be able to appreciate that – and if they don't – don't waste your time trying to convince them. Take the easy route and instead find someone who sees your fabulousness right now!

3. DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. You may feel less of a catch because you already have children, or you're divorced, or you're 45 or that you're not university educated or any number of things you wish you had or hadn't done, been or had. We're all looking for different things, a turn-off for some will be a turn-on for others. Enjoy our differences – they make life so fascinating!

4. REJECTION IS UNAVOIDABLE. Before you asked that guy or girl out on a date you didn't have a date. If they say ‘No' you STILL don't have a date, nothing has changed except the way you see yourself…

5. Attraction can't be forced, so don't try. Remember that there are people YOU don't like, or like but there is no spark... ALLOW other people the courtesy of feeling that way about you!
Don't put your power into someone else's hands and let their opinion determine decide how you feel about yourself.

Q: What are some local resources that you recommend to your clients living in Canada?

1. Your local community education and college programs – learn something new or pick-up where you left off with an old hobby.
2. Get outside! Take your dog (or someone else's dog for a walk) and chat to fellow dog-walkers.
3. Participate in local exercise and fitness-training programs. You'll look after yourself and meet new people too!
4. Your eyes and smile. Chat to people you meet who seem interesting – whatever their age, sex or wherever you are. You don't know who they know or where it may lead!
5. The word “AND.” When chatting with people, try adding AND on the end when you think you've finished speaking. “Oh, my dog? His name is Dexter AND he stole half my sandwich I just had for lunch!” or “I work as an accountant AND in my spare time I repair old cars/play field hockey/like to bake cookies/cook Indian food!” See how you're automatically more interesting and the conversation can easily continue!
6. Your friends. When friends suggest someone - they have already done at least a part of your date-filtering for you. If the person they suggest isn't right for you, see what you can learn - or add to your list of deal-breakers!
7. Read “Work the Pond” by Vancouver author Darcy Rezac. It may be a (fun and very easy to read!) book about business networking, but the techniques work for finding friends and dates too! Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince or princess!

Q: Care to share more?
Push yourself out of your comfort zone – nothing changes if nothing changes. BUT also remember to give yourself a break! Sometimes your comfort zone is just where you need to be. Learn to listen to your needs and act accordingly.

Use single time to get to know YOU. Learn to be kind to and love yourself and happiness will follow.

FINAL WORD: Life is an adventure, we're all quirky and you're fabulous already. Enjoy being single until you find someone who agrees with you!