Dealing with Sex Delicately

Q: I am dating a man who is basically everything I've always looked for in a man - he's kind, giving, makes me laugh like crazy, and I'm completely at ease with him. The only problem is the sex. He has an issue with being pretty rough and in a hurry when he is trying to stimulate me, and I'll ask him to be gentler or slow down, which he will, but then the next time we have sex, it's right back to square one. How can I teach him what I like and keep from damaging his confidence in the process?

You describe a relationship in which it sounds like the man you're dating, kind and giving, would like to try to pleasure you all the time and you're right - this is something that needs to be addressed now. Since you are at ease with him, choose a time to discuss this matter when the two of you are not in the bedroom, but are relaxed, alone and feeling close. You might begin by talking about the many positives in the relationship and express how glad you are that you can be open with him. Then explain the situation as positively as possible, beginning with what you do like about his intimate and sexual technique and how good it feels when he is slow and gentle. He may not even be aware that he returns to his old ways and will most likely appreciate your effort to communicate this very important issue with him. I believe that if you address your feelings in this honest, complementary way, his confidence will be fine. If, however even after this talk, perhaps you may need to address it once more, patiently and then if need be, seek couples therapy.

DISCLAIMER: This format is general in nature and not intended as a personal response to each question nor is it a subtitute for individualized medical or psychological care, diagnosis or treatment.

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