Friends as (Undercover) Matchmakers

Q: I turned 40 last week. Unbeknownst to me, three of my closest friends (who are all married with children) decided to join an online dating site on my behalf in an effort to meet men with whom they could fix me up.  Their “birthday gift” surprise resulted in 3 new dates for me but now that I know the truth I am horrified. I am curious how you would you respond if you were in my situation?

Whoa! Your friends crossed a line that is important to you and I understand why their actions seem infuriating. I know plenty of people who take it upon themselves to play undercover matchmaker but unless someone asks for fix-up help it is not acceptable behavior, even if it’s intended as a gift.

You can always retaliate by posting each one of their profiles onto the Ashley Madison website (which may have already crossed your mind), but before you retaliate keep in mind that few people would go to such great lengths to surprise a friend. You really are lucky to have such a clever and caring coterie and I hope you recognize that in their own minds they acted with the best of intentions.

The best thing you can do is to give them a lesson in respecting boundaries and if you give them an example to which they can relate your message will be more impactful. For example, ask your gal pals how they would they feel if you secretly set out to resolve personal relationship issues they have with their spouses or children. Putting things in context in this way is one of the most effective ways to get your point across and will allow you to maintain a position of independence, strength (and friendship).

Of course, once things are all squared out, insist that they all take you to a fabulous dinner to make up for their lapse in judgment!

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