Help! The Man I am Dating is a Virgin

Q: I recently met a man through mutual friends and we have been closely involved for the past three months. As we started to get intimate he confessed to being a virgin. Do you think this is natural for a man in his mid 30's or should I have reason to be concerned about his sexual orientation, history etc.

I wouldn't worry so much about general theories and whether it is natural for a man in his 30's to be a virgin.  More important is the here and now and how it feels for you to be with this particular man.   Everyone has a unique psychosexual story so unless you get the feeling that something from the past makes this person's current behavior peculiar and that it inteferes with the present, I suggest you not prejudge and focus instead on the positives of how he treats you, whether he understands you, communicates with you, whether you have fun together, can trust each other and turn one another on.

Although he might have been a virgin before you met him, does he now seem interested in exploring different sexual techniques that you both like, is he successful in initiating time for intimacy with you and pleased about his new-found abilities?  Is he gaining confidence in this arena and does that seem to be building stronger bonds of emotional connection with you?

A few things are positive already:  you met him through mutual friends; you've already been dating for several months and have decided to take it to the next level so there must be something you really like about his personality; best of all, he communicated to you something that made him vulnerable-he could have just avoided the conversation about being a virgin-the fact that he shared it with you is a good start.  As the relationship develops, you'll naturally ask about each other's pasts with non-critical curiosity.

I suggest you continue to talk about any issues that seem to get in the way of your intimacy as a couple.  I hope the two of you can work it out but if you need a little help, don't hesitate to find a certified sex therapist in your area @ AASECT.org.

----

DISCLAIMER: This format is general in nature and not intended as a personal response to each question nor is it a subtitute for individualized medical or psychological care, diagnosis or treatment.

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed