Kiai aka Wing Girl Girl Kim

Q: How can a guy who’s not good at flirting get good?
When dog packs go out on a hunt, they use body language to communicate. Flirting is also body language. If you think about it, we use body language without even realizing it. So, to flirt with someone, it's important not to think too much about what your body is doing. Rather, think about the goal. If the leader of a dog hunt's goal is to catch his prey, he will make eye contact with his prey. He will also use his body to tell the other dogs in the pack what he is going to do during the chase. He's not thinking about how to communicate to the dogs. He just does it, because he's focused on his goal. In the same way, when we flirt well with the opposite gender, we don't think about how we look or what the other person thinks. Flirting is more natural when we think solely on the goal of reaching the other person.

Q: How can women who attract jerks break the pattern?
Just because jerks approach women doesn't mean these women aren't attracting good guys. Sometimes the good guys don't want to approach even though they're attracted. At 38 years old, I can safely say that I know when the good guys who were attracted to me started approaching. At that time I had stopped focusing on my appearance and focused my energy on doing something worthy and productive. I stopped whining and complaining about attracting jerks and starting finding solutions to my problem. I also stopped having expectations about how men should treat me and found a guy who treats me with respect, not to mention who is also cute, has a job, and is attracted to me because I'm focused on doing something productive with my life. If only jerks go out with you, then take the jerk out of yourself. That might sound harsh, but i did it and now have an amazing boyfriend who also trusts me when I'm out being someone else's wing girl.

Q: Secret sex tip every man should know about
Sex begins with foreplay. Don't forget about it. Learn how to be a great kisser. After a year together, my boyfriend and I still enjoy making out. The better the foreplay, the more exciting the play. I also recommend books by Lou Paget. She will tell you all kinds of sex tips that totally work.

Q: Taboo topics in the getting to know you phase
What's the question? Just kidding. If your dates seem turned off because of TMI (too much information), maybe it's time to rethink your dating activities. If TMI is coming out, there's a chance that you feel pressured into talking about whatever comes to mind. Having an activity on date, such as rock climbing, or bicycling, gives more to talk about that's "safe." If you can't find things to talk about together, at least you can enjoy the activity together.

In reality, there are no taboo topics when you're dating someone who is just right for you. In fact, whatever you feel is a good thing to talk about says something about who you are. If the other person doesn't like it, then move on.

Q: Signs that a woman/man is into you
This can be seen in body language. How is her/his body positioned next to you? What are the eyes saying? Is she/he giving you attention or does she/he keep changing the subject on you? Don't waste your time with someone who isn't genuinely interested in what you like to do or talk about. Chances are, it's not a good personality match.

If a phone call isn't returned right away, that doesn't mean the person isn't interested. Be patient. Put your energy into something productive. If someone is really into you, she/he will maintain contact.

Q: Unfortunately, many men have no clue how to seduce a woman. What is your secret in taking that first step?
I like the Seduction Community's tactic: touch. It can start with an innocent, "You've got a piece of fuzz on your shoulder." Next, maybe a rub on her shoulder.

An AlphaDog thing to do is to notice if she's uncomfortable or needs anything, maybe a beverage or a change in conversation. Maybe she needs to laugh. Or maybe she needs a shoulder rub. Acts of leadership are very attractive. That goes both ways, by the way.

Q: What about all those shy or nice guys. What advice would you give to all those individuals out there who are having a hard time approaching women?
There are women out there for shy and nice guys. If you're shy or a "nice guy," get to know your Myers-Briggs personality type (MBTI). It's simple enough to clarify your preferences. Once you know what you like based on the MBTI criteria, you will have a better idea of the kind of women who will naturally be attracted to you. I go into detail about this in my book, AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want. I also recommend books by Dr. Alex Avila, clinical psychologist and relationship coach.

Q: What advice would you give to all those workaholics out there, who do not make time for dating or relationships?
If you're a workaholic and lonely, on your way home tonight think about where you want to be 10 years from now. How important is your work? How much will it matter compared to being alone? Getting into relationships is like having a business plan. For any business plan, time and money must be spent. It's the same as relationships. Consider your relationships as investments. Which ones do you want to have greater returns? Consider having relationships as a priority and invest in them.

Q: Can you tell us why it does not pay to be a player?
I don't disagree with being a player. Just be honest about it, and don't waste non-players' time. Certain personality types, i.e., the Extroverted Sensory Feeling Perceiving types naturally want to play and have difficulty staying committed to one intimate relationship. However, if longevity and a stable home for a potential family is desired, being a player can breed superficial relationships and a lonely lifestyle. A fulfilling romantic partnership requires depth of understanding each other. There is no limit to how deep intimacy can get. The deeper the relationship, the more fulfilling the life.

Q: What is the number one warning sign that a relationship is doomed from the start?
If you are not comfortable talking about whatever you want with your partner, forget it and move on. It's a sign that your personalities are not compatible.

Q: How can a man weed out the good from the bad profiles to find the woman of his dreams online?
I did exactly this finding my now-boyfriend online. First, I got to know my own MBTI personality type, which is Extroverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving. Then I learned what my perfect match's personality type is, Extroverted Intuitive Thinking Judging (does not mean judgmental). Then I got online and sought out profiles of people who seemed to fit my match's type. Unfortunately for me, my personality type is pretty rare, and his type is rare online. But somehow while skimming, his picture caught my eye. My perfect match, interestingly and funny enough, is intelligent and a bit arrogant. His picture looked arrogant. Fortunately, he doesn't behave arrogantly (not much anyway, lol).

Okay, learning about personality types and their matches might be too far-fetched. So, to keep it simple, a man needs to think about what he really likes, including types of food, what he likes to do on vacation, entertainment types, etc. There's a chance that the woman of his dreams will also be interested in the same or similar things. If she responds to his email with inquisitiveness, then bingo. He should go meet her in person.

I could have written a book in response to these questions...oh wait, I DID write a book! It's AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want: A Man's Guide to Dating by a Woman. http://alphadogthebook.com.