Laugh at Love

Q:  As a Comedian you have a great way of helping people laugh at love. Can you tell us more about your work in the dating space?


When I just did standup, I had a lot of material pulled from my personal experiences, mostly noting the differences between men and women. Interestingly enough, I learned that the sharp things I said onstage could be said one-on-one to diffuse a situation in a relationship. For example, when a girlfriend points to another woman and asks, "Do you think she's prettier than me?" I simply reply, "Are you kidding me? I would sell you into white slavery just to hear her say her name." It's so utterly ridiculous that girlfriends never ask me what I call stupid questions more than once--"Do I look fat in this?" "Which should I wear, this one or this one?" etc. Of course, I realize women ask these questions because they feel guys aren't paying them enough attention. So I follow-up my comments by paying more attention, especially to the little things and the girlfriends are happy. The comedy diffuses the situation completely. Now I use humor as a tool to introduce concepts in dating and relationships, then discuss them in more serious detail following. That's what "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters" is; a book full of funny stories followed by lessons learned.


Q: For many, the pick-up line is the hardest one to come by. Any conversation starters you would recommend when approaching a stranger?

Man, I hate lines. They all sound so insincere. Look for the common-denominator instead; it's what you and the other person have in common. There is always something, you just have to find it. Perhaps it's something on TV, or your sibling has the same shirt they are wearing. There's your opener. The hottest woman I ever dated was a redhead I met very simply: She was chewing a piece of gum and as she walked by my table, I asked her if she happened to have any more gum. "Actually, I do." She smiled and pulled a piece out of her purse. I passed her table on the way out of the bar an hour later and gave her my number so she could call me for a piece of gum. When she declined at first, saying it was "no big deal," I gently insisted, noting I didn't want to have "bad gum karma." She laughed, took my digits, and called me a week later. It was also the best sex with a woman I ever dated. All from finding a common denominator. That being said, until you get good at finding common denominators, you can use one I turned into a line; simply ask someone, "So, are you out celebrating a good day or trying to forget a bad one?" Amend it accordingly--on Friday, you can make it, "Are you out celebrating a good week or trying to forget a bad one?" and so forth. (No, I don't use it; I'm really good at finding the common-denominator quickly. The first and only few times I used it was when I couldn't find any other common-denominator. I realized, "Hey, it's Friday, we are both either celebrating or trying to forget the week." That was the common-denominator.)


Q: Please tell us how nice guys can finish first…

They can't. Haven't you heard, "Nice guys finish last?" Women actually do want nice guys but here is the problem: Nice guys never make a move! (Take it from me, I was voted "Sweetest Guy" in high school; didn't have any success with women until I made some changes, number one being not being nice all the time.) Nice guys never find out women want them because they never make a move. Simply by making a move, the guy is no longer a "nice guy," because women almost always object to the first pass because they are taught by society they are supposed to. Nice guys immediately back off and then never make a second move, waiting for the woman to make the move. The only way a nice guy can finish first is if he meets a woman who is aggressive and takes the initiative to make a move (very rare). I've worked with guys on this and the turnaround is remarkable. One guy, for example, would go out with women three times, never making a move, then get mad at them because they would date someone else or never schedule a fourth date. I kept on him to make a move on the first date. He finally did... he is now married to that woman. I could share tons of similiar stories.


Q: First mistakes every single guy should avoid?

L-I-S-T-E-N and R-E-S-P-O-N-D. Listen and respond. When guys first meet a woman, they are often too nervous to listen, let alone respond. As soon as they ask a woman a question, they then think about what they will ask next instead of listening to her response while she is talking. I've heard women ask questions and men respond with their own question on a completely different topic, completely ignoring them. Women don't realize guys are nervous, especially nice guys--who they truly want to date--and just think the guy is rude and clearly only interested in one thing. (Sex for those who didn't pick up on that.)


Q: How can guys turn a female friend into a long-term love?

I'm against this in most scenarios. If you've been a friend with someone for a while and suddenly find yourself liking her, okay, totally cool; make a pass and/or bring up the topic one night, letting her know you find yourself now interested. Typically, though, this is not the scenario; rather, the guy was interested in the woman from the start and didn't have the courage to tell her or didn't think he stood a chance--i.e. he has low self-esteem. He then builds a friendship to disarm her, get closer, learn about her, keep other guys away, know when she is most vulnerable, manipulate scenarios, yada yada yada. The entire friendship he imagines what it would be like to date her and he's created an alternate reality while putting her on a pedestal. It escalates from stupid things, like, "Ooh, she touched me tonight on my butt!" or "She kissed me on the cheek yesterday!" If he starts to date the woman, reality isn't what he imagined. Eventually, she comes off the pedestal and it's a hard fall, where she will most likely be hurt. Additionally, the guy can't believe he has her, so he often becomes controlling and jealous, believing he will lose her to another guy. He doesn't see the relationship as a couple; rather, he sees it all from his POV because he has been looking at the friendship through those goggles for a long time.

Finally, people don't behave the same in relationships as they do in friendships. The best example most of us are familiar with is the character Ross in the hit TV show "Friends." Throughout his friendship with Rachel, he manipulates scenarios--finding out where and when she is doing laundry to join her, not giving her messages from guys who call, etc. When he finally dates her, he can't believe it. Oh the joy! Very soon he views every guy as a threat (her co-worker, Mark, for instance). When she finally gets the great job she has been wanting for years, after toiling as a waitress, he isn't very happy for her; rather, all he can see is the impact it has on him--she has less time for him. Boo hoo! Poor Ross! This and his jealousy cause strain and they break up. It's easy to have the perfect relationship in your head... your partner never has a differing opinion or other priorities than you! But it's far from reality. Ironically, these are the guys that typically cheat because once they get the friend, it's not what they imagined and they get bored of her. (In the same TV show, as indicated earlier, Chandler and Monica date. The key difference is that Chandler was truly Monica's friend; he never used the friendship to hopefully facilitate dating. Ross was never a true friend because he was always after something else, using the friendship as a vehicle.) If you don't have the passion or need to tell a woman you like her as soon as you realize you like her, you don't really like her that much. Don't create a phony friendship just to date her.  


Q: There are many double dippers online. What are some tell tale signs that the person on the other end of the screen is a cheater?

The fact that they're online. If you become exclusive and their dating profile is still online, well... that's a no brainer! You can have friends online check to see if his dating profile is still out there. Other than that, keep your eyes open for the usual indicators--they are never free on Saturday night, they can call you but you can't call them, etc.


Q:  How you keep and decorate a home says a lot about a man. What are some bachelor pad must haves that will make a good first, second or overnight impression?

Actually how you keep and decorate home says little about a guy. It says a lot about a woman but not a guy. We tend to see things through our own POV and not the other gender's; this is a good example. Women put a lot of time into their place--how it's painted, knick-knacks, decor, etc. Guys don't because we have different priorities--we'll buy a chair that doesn't match anything because it's on sale or a futon because a friend can easily crash on it if they are too drunk to go home or visiting from out of town. If guys really cared about decor, etc, it would create a huge problem when they moved in with women or got married, as you'd have two people fighting over what should be where. How does it typically go, instead? Women choose and it's their stuff that takes precedent. And guys really don't care that much, so in the end, it's a good thing. (If you go to a married couple's place, when you leave do you typically comment, "Wow, she has good/bad taste" or "He has good/bad taste?" During your visit, did she say, "We got this chair here, these pillows here, had this sofa refurnished," or does the husband say those things? In short, does a married couple's decor tell you more about the couple or the wife? Same for bachelor pad decor.) Personally, everything I buy is something that will work in the basement because I know that if I get married, that's the only place I have a shot at decorating and really care about furnishing. If I don't get married, hey, my furniture suits my needs in my living room and bedroom. That being said, the following items do need to be kept in order or the woman probably won't stick around:


1) A clean bathroom.

2) Little filth--dust, grime, mold, dead roaches, live roaches, etc--anywhere.

3) A maintained fridge. It's fine to have it loaded with beer and milk and little else, but don't have old crap your mom gave you, like an old, moldy dessert or rotting fruit in the lower bins.

4) Unstained furniture and bed.


Q: How can a guy who’s not good at flirting get good?

I ask this exact question in "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters," I kid you not. When I decided to learn how to flirt, I observed guys who were good at flirting. Also, if I thought I shouldn't say it, I said it. Flirting isn't all that different from how guys talk to each other. Instead of straight put-downs, though, you soften it up. You can actually practice with the guys. For example, once we were playing hockey and our opponent scored through our goalie's legs. Our best defenseman turned to our goalie and said, "Close your legs, you whore." When I noticed a woman was subbing for a lot of volleyball teams, I flirted with her, opening with, "Wow, you're just a volleyball whore, aren't you?" Not that different, so practice with the guys. Remember, flirting can also be what you don't say or a look or glance. A few times I've met women who were busting out of their tops, which were low and 3 sizes too small. One might ask me a question, I'd catch myself checking out her cleavage and then look at her and say, "I'm sorry, I got distracted. What was that again?" That's flirting and it works well. (The women know we are going to notice the cleavage.)


Q: Secret sex tip every woman should know about…


Blow jobs are a lot easier to give than you think. The best I ever had was amazing and the woman barely got to business before I finished. The trick is to get the guy excited instead of going straight to town. Use your hand some, kiss and lick the abdomen and inner thighs a lot, keep acting like you are going to go down by working your way closer and closer, then back off. Also whisper in the guy's ear about the act and talk about, asking what he wants you to do, teasing him by replying he doesn't sound that convincing, etc. That goes a long way to pushing the guy to the edge, too. I learned all this from her. She got me so revved up that I was literally begging her to go down already and only when it looked like I couldn't stand it any more did she. She hardly had to do anything and it was over. Felt amazing. Other women, though, who go down right away, don't create the same feeling at the finish and they have to work a lot harder, complaining about a sore jaw, etc.


Q: How can men who are drawn to bitches break the pattern?


I always say, "remove her looks from the equation." The more attractive the woman, the harder that can be to do. I've kicked a lot of women to the curb or never got interested because of their behavior. When I remove a woman's looks and still want her, I know I've got a winner with a great personality. Women need to realize something about guys when it comes to bitches. Guys don't like bitches; we like their bodies. Bitches are easy to sleep with then kick to the curb because we have disdain for them while wanting their bodies; hence, it is easy to detatch ourselves quickly. Before you implement advice on how to be a bitch to get a guy, ask yourself if you are after sex or the guy. If you are after sex, being a bitch will often work. If you are after relationships, though, it won't. If bitches do get married, they tend to be nothing more than trophy wives.


Q: What are some stunts females pull that can be deal breakers for men?


Three things come to mind. One, treat all guys with respect until they demonstrate they don't deserve it. Remember, it's not easy approaching you and we're putting ourselves out there. The guy you want to meet is most likely watching you, picking his spot to approach. If he observes you heartlessly ridiculing a guy who approaches, even if he is a dork, the stud you want to meet will be quickly turned-off and not approach, seeking another woman instead. This includes stupid things like excusing yourself from the conversation with a guy by heading to the bathroom with friends then congregating in another area of the bar when you return instead of returning to the guy, even though you said, "Excuse me, I'll be right back." (Instead, just say, "It was nice meeting you," then head to the restroom.) Two, relationships change couples on their own. Don't try to change us all at once; let the changes happen own their own or work for one step at a time. Number one phrase a guy says after he breaks up with someone when he's talking with his buddies? "She changed." After discussion, it is clear the guy really means she tried to change him; she seemed happy with him at the start but quickly wanted him to be completely different--i.e. she changed from being cool to wanting him to be something else. So he's really complaining she tried to change him. Three, be yourself from the start. Women often wonder why guys don't call after the first time they had sex, complaining the guy lied and is a jerk, etc, without ever considering some pretty basic things. Wearing a push-up bra to get the guy into you? Colored contacts? Jeans that are holding everything tightly together? When we get those jeans off and you suddenly increase by three sizes, get the bra off and your breasts vanish, and we're drawn to your green eyes which are suddenly gray now that you've removed your contacts, guess what? You lied. Instead of being yourself and drawing in a guy who was attracted to the real you, you attracted a guy to the false you. That's not you, so why shouldn't we bail? How can you reasonably expect any other result?