Laurie

1.       Can you highlight some of the principles you offer up in your new book “Fight Less Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In”?

"Honey, we have to talk," is old-fashioned.  Men and women don't want to be forced to talk for hours on end about a relationship problem.  In today's fast-paced world, people in a relationship don't have to talk more, they have to talk better to get the love we want.  If you learn the right words for the right time (and that's what Fight Less, Love More is loaded with), then you can get what you want in 5 minute conversations.

2.       We understand you are a Harvard-trained couple’s mediator. How does mediation differ from therapy for struggling couples?

Mediation is fast, inexpensive and effective. The program requires three sessions for a total of three to six hours.  In those sessions, we initially focus on the problems and the communication barriers, and then I teach them new skills to break through deadlocks.  The couple uses the tools and comes back to me with feedback.  We tweak the tools and they try again.  The final session is reinforcing.  After that, they have what it takes to succeed.  Couples are generally quite successful at changing their verbal habits, once they are aware of the right words to use at the right time.  I wrote Fight Less, Love More because not everyone is able to come to my NY office.  Now, all of the skills that work for my clients are in this single book.  Read it and you will discover your own relationship flaws and strengths and then you can select the chapters that work to fill in the gaps in your love or to prevent them from occuring in the first place.


3.       Do you think infidelity during the dating stages should be a deal breaker and, if so, why?
Yes.  Infidelity means the cheater has a lack of courage to face the mate and say, "I feel neglected in this relationship.  I don't feel like I'm your #1"  (which is usually the reason for cheating).   He or she cheats, rather than fess up to relationship problems.  The cheater is immature and needs time, and a lesson in consequences to wise up.  The reason why there should be no second chances in dating when cheating happens is because the trust is broken so badly that you can't actually learn about each other and build the shared life it takes to even decide whether or not to marry the person.  Staying with someone who cheated is a waste of your time.

4.       What are some tell-tale signs that a marriage is heading for a divorce?
More unresolved arguments, longer silent treatments, more public put-downs and the internal thought that "I'm not in a real marriage anymore because we don't talk or have sex.  Therefore the rules of marriage don't apply to me."  That's how an otherwise moral person gives him or herself permission to cheat.

5.       Can your strategies be applied in the workplace to avoid confrontations with nasty co-workers and/or supervisors?
The goal of Fight Less, Love More isn't to push people not to fight at all.  Keeping your mouth shut is bad for one's health and one's relationship, whether it's with a loved one, a friend or a colleague.  The best fighting method is to speak up assertively, but without accusations.  How do you do that?  You play detective.  When someone is angry with you or vice versa, put on your detective cap and ask neutral questions.  Don't make assumptions.  Ask, "What's making you so angry?  Am I missing something?  Can you explain?"  Listen closely, summarize what you hear and then you are free to share your opinion.  That's a respectful disagreement and it can actually make a relationship stronger.

6.       What about with the friend or relative who is always eager to stir up a fight?
If you want to end the unnecessary batttle before it begins, show a little gratitude.  Say something polite and unexpected like, "That's an interesting idea.  I'll think about it"  or "Thank you for your opinion.  I will consider it."  If you don't defend yourself, the attacker has nowhere to put his or her next angry remark.

7.       Can you recommend some exercises that can keep individuals from losing their cool in any situation?
When your blood boils, your body chemistry goes into attack mode and it wants you to leap like a lion on your attacker.  Or, it wants you to slam a door and run away to avoid the pain of the attack.  Instead of those options, the first thing to do is sit down and take a deep breath.  By making a conscious choice to physically calm down, you allow your logical mind to wrestle back control over your emotions.  Then do something a little odd - verbalize your anger.  Say, "I'm getting really mad right now and I don't want to blow up, so give me a minute and then I will listen to you explain yourself."

8.       Do you have any rules about fighting fair?
Don't throw things that are heavy.  Seriously, we are all human and every one of us (even in the happiest of relationships) is going to let a curse word slip out once in a while.  I don't blame people for that.   Rather, Fight Less, Love More is the handbook of quick tips to empower us with the right words to reach solutions in our arguments.  Once we have the communication tools in our back pocket, we have a lot more confidence and we're able to make our points without feeling distraught that we don't know what to say.   This self-empowerment naturally leads us to less cursing and blaming. 


9.       Any other words of wisdom?

Don't buy into the myth that love is unconditional.  The truth is that you can expect love to die, unless we choose words and actions every day that build respect, appreciation, compassion, loyalty and intimacy.  It's not hard to keep those values alive, we just have to be aware of the need and of the right words to bring out the best in ourselves and our mate.