Mari

Q: When you discovered you were pregnant you decided to have the baby all on your own. Did you just know this was the right choice for you or were there other deciding factors that led you in this direction?

It was an easy decision for me, because at that time in my life I knew better than to judge myself harshly for whatever decision I felt I would have to make, so I was able to follow my true desire.  However, if I had known how much judgment, condemnation, and blocked resources I would eventually face from the public, I would have been petrified.   Our society makes choosing parenthood much harder than it has to be.  One of my goals with The Single Woman’s Guide to a Happy Pregnancy, 2010 Edition is to help my audience anticipate and deflect those negative surprises. 

Q: How did you handle the day-to-day challenges of pregnancy all on your own?

Luckily, I had my mother to lean on.  She wanted my success as much as I did, and to this day my son remains her only grandchild.  When all was said and done, I came to the conclusion that having a mother is as good as, if not better than, having a partner.  However, I realize that there are women out there who have neither partner, nor mother, nor best friend, yet their hearts are still guiding them to continue their pregnancies to be parents, which I feel is a human right.  With writing my book, I hope to be able to fill at least part of one of these roles so that my readers will find the support to exercise their natural rights to parent their natural children. 

Q: How does your book "The Single Woman’s Guide to a Happy Pregnancy, 2010 Edition" help women who are unsure or scared about solo motherhood encourage them to move forward?

One thing that is very different about our mission is that we steer clear of helping women decide how to address their pregnancies, as the majority of what’s called “options counseling” is often coercive, judgmental, and subjective.  In contrast, we give unconditional help after a woman has made the decision to parent, as it is the one decision that we can honestly say that we specialize in.  However, our work does help women who are undecided by being honest about potential challenges while teaching our audience how to conquer those challenges.  My experience has shown me that if we eliminate fear in the decision making process, then every woman can make a decision that is best for her. 

Q: What are some of the most important steps every woman should take to prepare herself for the journey of being pregnant on their own?

It is important for single pregnant women to understand the custody and child support laws in their states of residence, and if the laws favor the rights of natural fathers, to be ready to relocate.  Some of our states still have extremely patriarchal laws, and will grant rights to men who have been abusive, have criminal records, and have made clear that they don’t have the best intentions towards the mother or the baby.  Of course, this seems extreme, and there are many decent people in our country who will co-parent and get along for the sake of a child, but the vast majority of the cases I see have at least some degree of drama or abuse towards the mother, even while she’s pregnant.  Many people still adhere to the idea that a man’s nature excuses his sex drive while a woman should be punished for not being able to “keep her pants on.” It's strange but true.   Some feel that single pregnant women have “asked for” negative treatment through their own misbehavior, but we now know beyond any shadow of a doubt that in-utero stress physically hurts a baby, so it is the responsibility of everyone who cares about a baby to be at least kind to its mother.  If attempts to be kind have been met with violence or anger, then any outside party needs to walk away from the situation and resolve it at a later date.  But to endeavor to manipulate a situation through abuse of a mother is actively abusing the child inside her.   We need to start seeing such a situation for what it is:  Child abuse.

Q: Despite the increasing numbers of single moms by choice, society has still not caught up with the times. What are some of the stigmas you observed and how did you deal with them?

Probably the most frustrating social tenet is the idea that even a dysfunctional father is better than none at all, and the idea that a mother’s work is all for nothing if her child does not have a male role model.  This puts a single mother in a panic to find a partner, which increases her chances of choosing unwisely, which ultimately causes more problems for both mother and child than if she were to be extremely selective, which is certainly called for when a child is involved.  The idea that a child needs a father in the home feeds the machine that perpetuates the stereotype of single mothers being disempowered and having traumatized children.  Yes, good male role models are a definite asset, but bad ones should not slide by on the false merit of their merely being male.  

Q: Bringing a child into the world requires a lot of planning and preparation. Are there any requirements that are unique to single moms that individuals should know about? (i.e. legal, financial, insurance.)

As I said before, it is important to know about your state laws concerning child support and custody.  Also, the majority of pregnant women who were raised in middle class or upper middle class homes know nothing about seeking Medicaid or other types of medical or social assistance.  Although a woman can only get Medicaid if she has very little or no income, many states also have medical assistance for women who make between 24 and 35 thousand annually, so it pays to dig deep and ask questions.  If one does not qualify for any assistance, she can often cut costs by having a midwife as a primary prenatal caregiver who is licensed to work alongside an Ob-Gyn if the need arises.  Much can be determined through ultrasound technology these days (which is a good idea no matter what childbirth route you take), and the vast majority of midwives know when medical intervention is called for.  The stigma surrounding midwifery and natural childbirth is nothing more than propaganda in the event that one’s midwife is a true dedicated professional.    

Q: How did you manage feelings of stress, doubt and fear and keep a positive perspective throughout your pregnancy?

Honestly, when it came to stress, doubt, and fear, every day was a battle.  But I made sure to address these false and undermining thoughts I had when I wrote the first edition of The Single Woman’s Guide to a Happy Pregnancy, and addressed additional concerns of other readers in the 2010 Edition.  Truth be told, if a mother-to-be doesn’t care what other people think of her, there is startlingly little to be afraid of, as the negative attitudes of other people are usually what makes the process of finding assistance potentially shameful, and having enough money to survive is fundamental.  In addition, a healthy diet of mostly organic or at least non-GMO foods, light exercise, meditation, and determined effort to remain social and have faith in friendship, love, and goodness (God, the Universe, Spirits, Higher Power…), despite the sometimes base behavior of mankind, will carry a woman through. 


Q: What are some resources available to women that can help support them in their choice to become a single parent?

We have endeavored to make single pregnancy.com the best “information clearing house” for non-coercive and honest resources for single mothers-to-be, regardless of their political alignment, income or spiritual views.  Every single pregnant woman should explore the options of Medicaid (or low-income state insurance programs if they qualify), WIC, government funded Day Care Assistance, La Leche League (and other organizations that assist with breastfeeding), and Raise the Nation Foundation.  We also have a national on-line support group on cafemom.com called “Single, Pregnant Mothers-to-be,” where single pregnant women can discuss their concerns in a safe place with other current or former single mothers-to-be.  After pregnancy and the baby’s infancy, the help resources for single parents become more diverse and accessible, as the majority of single parents became single parents after pregnancy and the infancy of their children.   

Q: Any other words of wisdom?

Solo pregnancy can make a woman feel like an alien life form.  Sometimes it might seem as though our whole world is falling apart:  We may even be abandoned by our friends and family while we nurse a broken heart, trying at the same time to have a healthy baby and to be a healthy mother.  In my twenties, it seemed that people wanted to hang around with people whose lifestyles matched their own:  Married or coupled friends seemed to reject me when I became pregnant, and it was horribly traumatic.  Now I know that it was simply because I belonged with people who were more adventuresome, more intelligent, and more secure, as the majority of my new and better friends are also married, and my single status is of no issue to people who truly love me.  But in order to find the people who truly love me, I have a responsibility to be my authentic self.

I also wasted so much time doubting that a quality man would like me for myself and accept my circumstances and my son, and as a result, I pushed some very worthy suitors away.  Although every action taught me something valuable about life, I want my readers to learn from my mistakes rather than repeating them.

Most importantly (and I don’t mean to encourage anyone to continue a pregnancy if they don’t want to), I want my audience to understand that the time of hardship is temporary.  My son is the truest part of my life, and at this time, dealing with the health decline of my own parents, I thank God every day for giving me the blessing of my son.  If it is part of a woman’s true life path to be a mother, she must follow through with it, even if the timing does not seem right.  Yes, people and certain comforts might fall away, but have faith that they were never yours.  What’s truly yours is your destiny:  Find it, embrace it, and be proud of your personal life path.

To get more advice from Mari Gallion, read her book The Single Girl's Guide to a Happy Pregnancy