Moving Beyond Mind Games

Q: I am single, and ever since college I have been in love with a girl whom I have tried to be with through the four years since graduating.   Even though she married someone else, she would say she still wants to be with me and be intimate with me. I believe her, but have thought about the bigger picture and stayed out of consummating this affair. Now she says that she can not take being pressured because I asked her to get a divorce so we can be together. Should I just walk away? Be a friend? Or keep on trying?

One thing most of us do when we think we are in love is neglect looking at the signals and actions of the other person. From everything you explain in your note, this woman is toying with your emotions and has taken control of your life.  The problem is you don’t want to see it. 

It’s very common for people to keep others in their lives because the attention is an ego boost. It sure sounds as though she is keeping you on the sidelines because it’s constant admiration and a safety net in case things don’t work out in her own life.   It’s selfish, and inconsiderate to you and to her spouse. 

I understand entirely that the heart can play tricks on the mind but you need to walk away.   Otherwise you will waste so many of your good years waiting. It sounds to me as though you’re a nice, patient and loyal guy – four years is too long to be on the sidelines, and it’s time you got on with your own life.

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