Ms. Single Mama: Musings on Dating, Life, Love and Motherhood

Q: What inspired you to start writing your blog, Ms. Single Mama?
It's funny because I had just been dumped by a guy I'd dated for only three weeks. The reason? I was way too desperate and he could sense that, it was hard to miss. My entire dating life had been turned upside down. Last I'd checked (pre-Benjamin) I was a dating diva, fighting men off with sticks and suddenly I was this crying, weepy, desperate mess of a girl. It wasn't me. Unable to find the answers I needed, I decided to start writing my own dating guide for single mothers in the same predicament. Being a dating single mother is not easy but thanks to my blog I'm hoping I can take some of the pain away and guide my readers in the right direction.

Q: There are so many people who stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons. How did you find the courage to leave your husband and start anew?
I had two choices. Stay with him and watch my son grow up witnessing a man treating a woman the way his father was treating me - horribly. Or leave and be free of him and all of that negative energy along with the mental and sometimes physical abuse. The choice was pretty clear but it wasn't easy. I also wanted to get out while Benjamin was still an infant so he wouldn't have to experience that mess as an older child. You're right, so many people stay in destructive relationships for the wrong reasons. I think it's because they're scared of what's on the other side... turns out the other side is often far better for everyone involved, especially the children. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and get the hell out of there.

Q: How does it feel to be one of the most successful single mom bloggers today?
It's a bit overwhelming but incredibly exhilerating at the same time. I receive e-mails every day from single moms who have just discovered me and that is my mark of success - they're thankful e-mails telling me how much they've gained from my blog and that I've helped them get through the dark moments. They don't realize it, but they help me get through mine. It's a nice circle of strength we've got going on and I'm proud to be leading the charge.

Q: How has writing helped empower you since your divorce?
Writing it all down, all of the varied emotions of single motherhood, is a tremendous help. I reassure all of my friends that this blog has saved me thousands in therapy. And writing it out helps me to clarify everything in my own mind and heart. My readers are the most empowering piece of the puzzle. They're strength comes out on my blog through all of these amazing comments, many of them stories of their own, and that in turn makes me feel stronger.

Q: What is the most difficult aspect of single living as a parent and how do you deal with it?
The most difficult aspect - by a landslide - is not having the freedom to go out to a happy hour with co-workers, or take a yoga class or go to the grocery store by yourself - those day to day things the married and childless take for granted. But, like everything else, you adapt and eventually forget what those freedoms were like and you don't care because you're going home to the happiest, little ray of sunshine anyone could ever dream of having - a child.

Q: What are some of the best resources for solo parents?
All of the single parent blogs out there. Read them if you haven't already. Meetup.com and Craigslist.com are also great tools to start single parent groups in your area. And by far, a must, is iHeartSingleParents.com, an online social network for single parents.

Q: What advice would you give to suddenly singles that are getting back into the dating game?
Be patient. Most single parents have an urgent desire to get back out there after their separation or divorce, which is completely understandable because you've been in a miserable marriage for so long. I tell them to try to differentiate between love and lust and realize you may just be lusting after someone. This is because the rebound relationships after a divorce, that feel so real and solid, are in fact temporary and that in turn can hurt the kids. And above all, that dating will never be the same. We have to accept that one first before we can tackle the rest of the challenges of being a dating single parent. These things take time. Slow down. Enjoy this time and use it to re-discover who you are without your ex-spouse.

Q: What are some of your rules that Single Moms (and Dads…) should live by?
The first is to love yourself. It sounds cliche but most of the new single moms and dads I meet are down on themselves and feeling negative about their situation. First of all, your kids can sense that and second of all, it does you no good to feel sorry for yourself. Instead wake up to what you have and get out there and feel great about who you are, what you've survived and who you have yet to become.

Q: What is the single most important lesson you learned by being a single mom?
Don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously. Being a single mom puts everything else into perspective very quickly. Issues between co-workers in my office that would have upset me in a former life, now just roll off my back. I just don't have time for the trivial stuff anymore. If I did sweat the small stuff I would be a wreck 90% of the time. Oh! And forget about keeping your house spotless, it's just not going to happen - take up a fulfilling hobby instead of cleaning the house every night.

Q: What do you love about being single?
I've never been a relationship hopper but I was always a serial dater. But now, it's harder to find the time to date so I've been forced - for the first time in my adult life - to really be alone and for the first time I'm really learning who I am. That is by far my favorite part. And, of courrse, the fact that Benjamin is the happiest little 2-year-old you'll ever meet - it makes it all worth it.

Q: Any other words of wisdom?
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with being single and happy. And men are over-rated. That's about it!

To Read Alaina's Musing on Dating, Life and Love check out her blog, Ms Single Mama.