Old Techniques for Modern Daters

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Q: I'm in my early 30s and I've never dated anyone that I didn't meet through online dating or speed dating. While I've met some good people through these means, I always feel it is a little forced and wonder what people did before we had these things. I don't meet many single men I'm interested in, but when I do I have no idea how to move from knowing someone (a colleague, coworker, friend of a friend, team mate, classmate, whatever) to dating them. How are all these people getting together?

Anna, Boston, MA

Hi Anna!

The frustration you express seems to be the trend these days. So many people are tired of the online dating scene and looking for new (or old) outlets. We have become so dependent on the Internet and other social networking tools like speed dating that it's incredible to imagine that less than 15 years ago many people were taking out ads in the personals to find a mate in and between blind dates. While Internet & speed dating certainly present some interesting challenges, conversation lulls and moments of discomfort are natural in any setting and take time to overcome.

Regardless of the medium of how two people meet, I always encourage individuals to go beyond the first date or two and remind them to give others the chance to be themselves minus the pretenses. Many people freeze up when they meet someone they are interested in dating and do not even realize that they are giving off the "I am not interested" or "let's just be friends" vibe. While I cannot say for certain if that is the case with you, it is something you may want to think about for the future.

When it comes to relationships, quality and compatibility vary from person to person. Your best bet right now is to focus on finding the right someone for you and not on those who are coupling off around you. You may want to take a break from the online dating scene for a while and explore other avenues. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:

1. Try reaching out to friends, colleagues (and if you are really bold, family) and let them know you are interested in being fixed up. Don't be shy about telling people you are actively searching for set-ups--- meeting friends of friends is a tried and often true matchmaking technique because they know you and have your best interests at heart.

2. If time and budget permit, plan to take a group trip for the holidays or invest in a winter time-share with other singles. There are plenty of travel companies and cruises that cater to the single segment including GAP Adventures, Club Med and Singles Travel International, to name a few. To make sure you are paired with other singles before embarking on your journey, call the travel provider and find out who else has signed up for the getaway you are interested in booking.

3. I am also a big fan of the "house party" because they are more intimate, which makes introductions and conversations less forced. With the holidays just around the corner, you don't have to wait to be invited to one, just invite some friends over and encourage everyone to bring someone who is single along to the party.

4. You should also consider dining out or attending the movies alone on a regular basis. You never know who will be sitting in the row in front of you or at the bar stool beside you and it's very easy to strike up conversations in those situations.

5. If you meet someone cute in the elevator at work or at the gym, just smile and say hi. You'd be surprise how far a friendly "hello" can take you today.

I hope these tips help and wish you Good Luck!

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