Professional Therapist Carolyn Tells Us All About Healthy Life & Mate Choices

Q: Dating and therapy often go hand in hand. Can you tell us a little bit more about the book you wrote on the subject?

My life experience led me to this book.  I was a single person who met and married for the first time at 37.  Also I was providing marriage counseling to unhappy couples for over a decade.  I brought the two experiences together and realized that there were some common themes.  One theme was that we all have a type that we seek time and time again.  For many single people, this is a type that isn’t working for them.  For the unhappily married the same theme was occurring.  Many were unhappily married to people who were toxic for them and they had dated this type before.  Therapists call it a “broken picker” issue,  or the same guy/different face syndrome, but it’s a central theme to many dating and married people.  Many of the couples I met should never have married to begin with.  Neither was necessarily “at fault” but instead had chosen someone they were ill suited to be happy with.  So, the goal of my book was to prevent unnecessary divorces by teaching singles to date with a therapist’s eye.

Q: When it comes to expressing themselves, many men have a hard time emoting. How can they begin to appreciate that it’s okay for a man to be depressed, lonely or insecure?

They need to be taught that emotions are a human condition and not a sign of weakness.  Women do classically look for a strong man to lean on, but they also want a life partner who can share his feelings.  As women, I think we need to tell men it’s okay to be vulnerable with us!  We should be encouraging with men when they exhibit their emotions, even a smidge, as it will help them take greater risks in the future.  We can nurture the expression of emotion and help it grow.  We also need to teach the men in our lives that it’s okay to show weakness.  This includes our friends, brothers, sons and lovers.  Connecting on the feelings level is very sexy and men need to know that. 
The Casanovas already know it’s sexy to share their vulnerable sides -- this is one of their seduction techniques!  The “players” will frequently milk one sad story as women buy into it, and some sleep with them right away.  They think that they’ve met their soul mate! “He revealed his heart to me!” they say.  But it turns out that the Casanovas have told all of their lovers that same sad story.  Why? Because it works.  Tell your man that you think it’s hot when he opens up!

Q: What advice do you offer to men and women who feel as though they will never meet the one?

Look inward and ask yourself a few questions:

2.    Do you have good dating and relationship skills – two very different things!

3.    Are you your best self?  Are you at your best physically and mentally? Do you need to do some work on yourself to meet your ideal mate?

4.    If you give yourself a passing grade on this quiz, then get out there…you are a catch and you just need more opportunities to meet your mate!  Go on 50 dates and get back to me…

Q: Many people get to a point when they simply hate dating. How do you suggest they adjust their attitude?

Enjoy meeting new people without an agenda.  As a professional therapist who also wanted to find a boyfriend, I dated a ton of people.  Many guys didn’t think I was their type and they rejected me and I rejected many because they weren’t my type.  And then I met my husband at 37…first marriage.  Try to keep a healthy respect for all people, even when they aren’t for you.  I learned to enjoy hearing the date's story. If you take the time, you will find that everyone has an interesting life story.  My goal became hearing about people’s lives and being interested. “Really, you ate whale blubber in Greenland?”  If something clicked-- then great!  If not, then I heard an interesting life story.  Make this your goal for the date.  Another goal can be a fun outing.  Just don’t make the goal simply about finding the one true love.  My way takes the pressure off and also it takes away the feeling that they are either good or bad people. I think that some people have an image of what is “right or wrong” and become judgmental and bitter.  If someone burps and doesn’t cover the bill, don’t get angry; just let it be another funny story.  But flirt a bit too…

Q: Loneliness is definitely an issue when it comes to living alone. What are some ways in which people can learn to cope with those feelings?

Friends!  Did you know that people who have a full life including same sex friends, a healthy interest in their occupation and leisure activities are much more likely to find love?  Don’t wait for someone to complete you, be complete on your own.  Make a great life for yourself including lots of activities with friends.  If you don’t have friends, then make that your first goal in finding love.  Have a good group of friends that you collect from your common interests.  They will always be your cushion and maybe they will introduce you to your love, but don’t make friends with that goal.  Also you will be happier and people are attracted to happy.

Q: What are some of the biggest faux pas single women in their 30’s make when it comes to dating and how do you help them overcome those obstacles?

I list ten in my book…but the number one thing would be dating with a purpose.  I can’t tell you how many men talk about this, including my husband. “What is your name, what is your occupation (AKA how much money do you make), are you single and do you want kids?”  They feel like they are being interviewed for a position as a sperm donor.

After viewing a parade of miserable marriages, I know for a fact that being alone is nirvana compared to a bad marriage.  Imagine your worst roommate…now imagine that you are married to that person and have to sleep with them every night.  Oh, and they are a parent to your children…get the picture?  Being alone is a cake walk compared to that.  I think who you marry is the most important choice you’ll ever make.  Don’t rush it; marry Mr. or Ms. Right, not Mr. Right Now.  It may come at 17, 27, 37 or 47.  Don’t give up, just keep looking and keep up an interesting life while you are on the hunt.  I dated for 20 years before I met my Mr. Right, so I do know about being single, but it’s better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

Q: For many, the dating process can lead to feelings of disappointment and inadequacy. How can individuals avoid those negative emotions or be better equipped to deal with them?

When I was dating, I was rejected by tons of people and it wasn’t a reflection on me, it was a reflection of us not being the best fit.  Maybe they have a type, it could even be ugly and dysfunctional, but it’s their type.  Some guys only will date “the hot mess” type.  Some gals will only date the narcissistic idiot type.  Some want blondes, some want brunettes and you can’t take it personally.  Also, you know you are rejecting tons of people too.  Remember that person that was perfect “on paper” but there was no chemistry?  He or she was a fine person, but just not for you.  The same is true when you are the one who’s rejected.

But remember to also look inward, are you stuck with an 80’s haircut or do you dress like you are eighty?  Do you choose to only date models, but you’re a hundred pounds overweight?  Don’t set yourself up for rejection.  Do an inventory about yourself, but at the end of the day it isn’t you…it isn’t him/her…it’s usually a bad fit.

Q: Understandably, many suddenly or senior singles have a fear of dating. What advice would you give to help them get over the anxiety they may be experiencing?

Back to my comment in the beginning: don’t start dating with the purpose of finding love; instead get out there to meet people, appreciate their individual stories and to maybe make a friend.  Be open to love, but don’t chase it.  Maybe start meeting new friends and developing new interests before you start dating.  If you don’t start with the new interests before you start dating, you might find yourself talking about your ex – which is dating suicide.

You can find Carolyn Kelley by visiting her website at www.carolynkelley.com