Scot McKay

Q: Please tell us how nice guys can finish first.

I'd say the best way to answer this is to start out by defining what "nice guy" really means in different contexts. 

One type of "nice guy" who tends to lose is generally only being “nice” because he has an agenda…that is, he “wants something” from a woman.  If you consider how you feel when you walk into a car dealership and are mobbed by salesmen who are calling you “Ma’am” and offering you “free” coffee, you get the idea.

The other problematic style of being a “nice guy” is when a man pours himself out for others simply as a somewhat desperate means of gaining approval.  At times, he can even go so far as to become a total doormat for others.  Such a man can’t help a woman feel at ease in the notion that he is either an effective leader or an effective protector of her best interests. 

Any time a man lacks self-respect, he leads a woman toward reciprocating with lack of respect toward him.  That can’t end well for him.

Contrast that with the kind of man I tend to believe women are actually referring to when they talk about wanting a “nice guy.”  That’s a man who is all about defending what’s good rather than fomenting that which is evil.  Women want a man who causes them to feel safe in his presence, and a man with solid character does exactly that.  His intentions and his real-world follow up are both well-meaning.  Guys finish first when a woman knows that he is likely to be consistent and she doesn’t have to ask, “When’s the real version of you going to jump out from behind a bush?”

In fact, that guy tends to have options when it comes to women.  He is a chooser and no longer has to chase.


Q:  How you keep and decorate a home says a lot about a man. What are some bachelor pad must haves that will make a good first, second or overnight impression?

When I think of “must haves,” the first that comes to mind is a clean bathroom.  Making sure the kitchen is at least reasonably straight as opposed to having a tower of unwashed dishes in the sink is also a great idea.

The rest of the place can be picked up if not immaculately clean.  In fact, I’ve noticed that women can be just a bit freaked out if a guy’s place is Felix Unger spotless. 

The next “must have” is a fridge that’s well-stocked with different kinds of beverages, non-alcoholic and otherwise.  You’ve got to be able to put a drink in her hands when she walks in.

A coat rack beside the door is a nice touch.  She’s got to be able to take her coat off and be comfortable, and you want that to be a seamless motion.

Guys also need to remember that women completely expect a man to live in a masculine environment.  But that doesn’t mean the place should be stark and flat-out uninviting.  Put some art on the walls and by all means go and buy some realistic-looking fake plants to liven things up.  Almost every time a guy looks around his apartment and can’t figure out what’s missing, it’s about a lack of greenery.  Just keep everything dusted.

When I was single, I had a corner with motocross trophies, a framed movie poster or two and LOTS of lava lamps.  Again, pretty much guy stuff—but well sorted and interesting stuff.

Final touches include clearing the fridge of anything that resembles a biology experiment and making the bed. 

Give her a tour of your home when she comes over.  That’s always a winner.


Q: How can a guy who's not good at flirting get good?

Here’s the thing.  Flirting is actually not nearly as complicated and/or as fearsome a task as most people think it is.

I firmly believe that the majority of men and women believe they lack skill at flirting because they define it purely as "sexually-charged interaction."

But when you get right down to it, flirting is nothing more than ANY kind of interaction between male and female that would feel awkward or weird if between members of the same gender (assuming heterosexuality here, in this context).

The purpose of flirting, at least initially, is not so much to blatantly communicate sexual interest as to establish that you acknowledge the existence of sexual polarity.

As such, when a man encounters a woman he finds attractive, he may only need to engage her with a bit of a teasing comment or compliment her on something she’s wearing.  Similarly, a woman might simply smile at a man who passes her on the sidewalk.

The irony is that many people who consider themselves lousy flirts do these sorts of things all the time—even automatically.  Either that or they have the capacity to do so but don’t trust themselves in that regard enough.

Think of it this way.  From a very young age babies tend to recognize gender differences and respond to male and female people in different ways.  Many times you’ll hear people comment on how babies flirt with members of the opposite sex.  This is because it comes naturally.  In the Spanish-speaking world, the word “coqueta” is even used to describe this phenomenon when babies exhibit it…and it’s the same word as “flirt.”

So we should all relax and realize that to flirt doesn’t necessarily mean putting ourselves completely “out there” sexually.  It’s simply a fun way to start conversation by acknowledging there’s someone of the opposite gender in the room.


Q: How can women who attract jerks break the pattern?

The first step is to believe she deserves to be treated right.  As shocking as it sounds, we’ve seen first-hand how lots of women actually seek out guys who will mistreat them as sort of a self-punishment.

The second step is to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated.  Women can suffer from being too “nice” every bit as much as men can.   The best way to stop manipulation in its tracks is to always keep in mind what I call “The Golden Rule In Reverse”, or “TGR-R.”  Whenever someone does something unto you, think to yourself, “Would I ever in a million years do this to (or expect this from) someone else?”  If the answer is “no way,” then don’t put up with it.

The third and arguably most crucial way to end the pattern of attracting jerks is to flat-out stop expecting to attract low-quality men.  The difference between this factor and feeling like one deserves to be treated right is very basic.  While the latter conveys an attitude toward self, the former conveys an attitude toward who you expect to meet.   If an attractive woman expects all men to be no darned good, she’s not going to do well at attracting guys who actually respect women.  They’ll go elsewhere.  Meanwhile, the very men who seek only to use her sexually won’t care so much about that…so they’ll be the very men she continues to find herself associating with.


Q: Secret sex tip every man should know about?

If I have to limit it to ONE tip it’s this:  You don’t have to TRICK or CONVINCE women into wanting to have sex with you. 

Whether guys believe it or not, women are every bit as sexual as men are.  If you ignite her femininity with masculinity and cause her to feel comfortable in your presence there will be absolutely no “heavy lifting” necessary.

Show me a man who thinks all women don’t like sex, and I’ll show you a guy who is habitually pushing for it too hard.  We’re back to the car salesman analogy all over again, basically.


Q: Taboo topics in the getting to know you phase?

Well, any time that a first date lapses into a series of “interview questions,” things aren’t looking good.

Remember always that top priority when just meeting someone is to see if you even get along.   Filling in the “compatibility details” can wait until date three or so when you both recognize that things at least have a chance of moving toward longer-term association or even exclusivity.

Politics, religion, why the divorce happened, etc. don’t need to be addressed on day one.   That said, you don’t want to get into the habit of sweeping everything that’s important to eventually talk about under the rug.  There has to be a balance, so definitely get around to discussing those things after a few dates.  We’ve seen couples who have been in exclusive relationships for over two years come to an impasse because one finally finds out that the other doesn’t ever want kids when he or she wants six or eight of them.  Amazing, but true.

It’s important to say here that the topic of STDs, no matter how sensitive, must be covered before a couple gets physical together. 


Q: Signs that a woman/man is into you?

I’ve read all sorts of info on body language, sexual signals, etc.   Yet, I’ve come to a conclusion that is disarmingly basic:  If someone is on a second date with you, it’s a safe bet he or she is into you.

There are people out there who are stunningly non-reactive when it comes to exhibiting any outward signs of attraction whatsoever.  It’s no coincidence that we hear from tons of people like that who wonder why they tend to frustrate people they date into not calling them back.

Yet, having dated my fair share of “non-reactors” myself it’s amazing what happens when you roll the proverbial dice and take a chance on kissing them.   Sometimes they come to life in wonderfully surprising ways—all they needed was for you to take that first giant step.


Q: Unfortunately, many men have no clue how to seduce a woman. What is your secret in taking that first step?

Good grief, gentlemen.  Stop being neutered.  Stop going on dates and talking about the weather and pretending to like shoe shopping because you think that masculinity will offend her.

You are not creepy, weird or pushy simply because you are a man.  You are only creepy, weird or pushy if you are creepy, weird or pushy. 

When women are on a date with you, they are there because they want to be swept off of their feet.  They want romance.  And yes, they want a sexual relationship with a man who knows how to ravish them.

Keep her best interests at heart.  Be a man who represents protection to her—both of her physical being and to her emotions.  But by all means put your “masculine wiles” to good use.

Have a plan on dates, present yourself as a guy who can handle just about any situation without freaking out, take her dancing even if you aren’t very good, and share a dessert with her—feed her a bite.  Invest in a bottle of Dolce and Gabbana cologne and use it, albeit sparingly.  Wear a blue shirt, black shoes and a black belt. 

Enjoy the slow-dance of sexual tension without feeling like you need to rush things.  Then watch as her feminine charm ignites…enjoy every second of it.


Q: How do you know when to give up on a relationship and break up?

There are some things you simply cannot change about someone else.  Their religious beliefs, addictions and extreme anger issues come to mind.  Mental illness is also something you are not going to be able to “cure” with wishful thinking.

When there are obstacles to having a solid relationship with someone that are simply not going to go away, you need to go away.  It’s as simple as that.

The old adage states that you can’t choose who you fall in love with.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Most red-flags are easily discerned early on.  The problem is that we let infatuation blind us to the need to pay attention to them.  If we have the personal strength to cut off potentially poisonous relationships earlier than later, we save ourselves lots of unnecessary hassles in this life.


Q: What about all those shy or nice guys. What advice would you give to all those individuals out there who are having a hard time approaching women?

“Shy” and “nice” are two different ideas.  Similarly, shyness is not to be confused with introversion.

Shyness is simply social reticence, and yes…it must be conquered in order to fully understand and enjoy all the blessings of this life that come from interaction with other human beings.

Guys who are shy in general should start by simply making conversation with any and every person they encounter.  There’s no need to go from ground zero to boldly approaching the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen right from the start.

But once it’s time to actually meet a woman you find attractive, remember this:  It’s not a contest, it’s just a conversation.  Too many men allow themselves to get too emotionally invested in the potential outcome of a simple conversation with a  woman because they believe it’s a “win/lose” situation.  Because they’ve already pre-qualified her as dateworthy on sight, approaching her means she then holds the power to either validate or reject his standing approval of her.

There’s more to a woman than a pretty face.  Once we as guys realize that it’s important to demand the “whole package” from a woman we choose to date, treating initial conversations with women as part of a more holistic evaluation process comes more naturally.    As such, when we’re treated rudely after approaching in a fully appropriate manner we can see more clearly that we weren’t exactly “rejected” so much as we’ve dodged a bullet. 


Q: Can you tell us why it does not pay to be a player?

I define “player” as someone, man or woman, who basically manipulates and uses members of the opposite sex (MOTOS) for personal gain, be that sexually, financially or even emotionally.

Simply put, players tend to attract who they deserve.  That means they either get played in return or find themselves trapped in an irritating and unfulfilling string of short-term relationships with people who suffer from low self-esteem.

People of high character who are fully prepared to be one-half of a great relationship will not settle for a player.

It would be useful here to clarify that one can date multiple people at once and not be a “player.”  Life is too short to “serial date.”  You’ve got to be able to meet and get to know lots of people in order to know what you truly want from a long-term partner.  You don’t have to have sex with all these people.  You do, however, have to maximize your social opportunities with MOTOS until you find someone you legitimately desire an exclusive relationship with.


Q: What is the number one warning signs that a relationship is doomed from the start?

Number one?  That’s easy:  You get stood up on the first date. 

That’s humorous to say out loud, but believe me…I’ve seen people try to justify that and continue pursuing a relationship anyway.

Q: How can a man weed out the good from the bad profiles to attract  the woman of his dreams online?

First and foremost, never get “clouded by beauty-vision.”  Don’t get drawn in by pretty profile pictures without first exploring a woman’s written profile.  

Are her words those of a confident, well-adjusted woman who likes men and expects to meet a good one?  Or does she presume failure (e.g. “I’m sure this online dating thing isn’t going to work, but…”)  or assume men are the enemy (e.g.  “I’ve only been meeting losers and perverts, and I’m tired of it”) and/or come off as generally negative (e.g. “If you don’t like x or y, don’t bother!”)?

It’s amazing how clearly most women will telegraph exactly what their personalities are like in their profiles, even as they offer a crystal-clear preview into exactly how wonderful or miserable a relationship with them would be for you.

A man also has to have basic skills in knowing how to weed out fake profiles and/or scammers.  Any time a woman who is an online contact asks for money, run the other way.  Also be on the lookout for signs of broken English in profiles that are supposedly from the girl next door who has lived in small town America her entire life. 

Another really solid clue that a profile is a fake is the absence of any detail under the checkbox section about “What I want in a man.”  Women are typically unlikely to leave those blank, or select “any.”  Leaving those open tends to be a guy thing.


Scot McKay is a recognized dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications in San Antonio, TX.  Get his free newsletter featuring tons of content on how to meet and attract only the highest quality women at www.deservewhatyouwant.com.