Single Mother by Choice and Sociologist, Kay Trimberger, Continues to Pave the Way for Singles.

The motivation for my research on single women was personal.  In my late forties, as an ever-single mother of an elementary school-aged adopted child, I faced the possibility that I might never partner, cohabit or marry.  I hadn’t ever considered the possibility - it would always happen someday - and I had no role models, nor any cultural guidelines.  I wanted to see if other middle-aged, long-term single women had some answers.  They didn’t, but in our discussions, we discovered what was satisfying in our single lives, and our consciousness changed.

Q: Any interesting facts/statistics you would like to share with our readers?

More than 42% of the U.S. population 18 and older are unmarried.  The average age of marriage is now 26 for women and 28 for men.  Because of this rising age of first marriage, the high rate of divorce and declining rate of remarriage, women and men in the U.S. now spend a greater part of their lives single than married.  Of all the households in the U.S., 27% contain only one person, more than the number of households (23%) with a nuclear family of husband, wife and children under age 18.  Living alone, however, does not mean isolation, as single adults connect with friends and extended family, and are more involved in voluntary organizations than those who are coupled. 

Q: How do you think society's perceptions have shifted with respect to single living?

Social perceptions of singles are changing, but only slowly.  Now it is O.K. to be single in one’s twenties and thirties, but single women and men over 40 still face a lot of negative stereotypes.  Divorced women and men are socially acceptable, but are still expected to be dating or looking for a partner.  If singles say they are happy being single and not interested in coupling, friends and relatives often don’t believe them, or advise them not to close any doors.

Q: Based on your findings, what are the fundamental properties that single women must create in order to lead satisfied lives?

I found that middle-aged single women who were most satisfied with their lives had achieved all, or almost all, of the following tasks.  In retrospect, I identified these as mid-life tasks for all women, single or coupled.

1) Single women created a home, usually for themselves and their children, if they had them, but sometimes with others.  This was a place where they could feel settled and be themselves.  Many got a lot of satisfaction from their domestic skills.
2) Single women found work that was economically sustaining and personally fulfilling, but was not their whole life.  They were not workaholics.
3) Single women created a network of friends and extended family for intimacy, support and fun.  This is a key finding.  Creating such a network takes skills, different than those to create a coupled life.  (See my blog on this topic at  http://www.smartnow.com/page/6922)  A network of friends also conveys distinct benefits; friendship promotes different types and degrees of intimacy , and leads to more autonomy than in coupled relationships.
4) Single women developed a community whether formed from their network of friends who came to know each other or from a neighborhood, church, politics or work.
5) Single women found some connection to the next generation.
6)Single women accepted their sexuality, which took  many distinct forms for individual women.

Q: There is a lot of talk and focus on women. What are you thoughts on the growing population of single men living in today's world?

Single men face a more contradictory situation than single women.  On the one hand, our culture is more accepting of single men.  “Bachelor” carries a more positive connotation than “spinster.”  On the other hand, more (not all) men lack the skills that would enable intimate ties to friends and extended family.  They are less likely to have learned the domestic skills that help single women create a home.  Hence, single men often find it harder to create a satisfying single life.

Q: You chose to be a single mom by choice long before it was acceptable. What advice would you give to our readers who are considering the same option?

If you have the economic and/or social support, raising a child as a single parent can enrich your life.  You can raise a happy, healthy child.  But the task is not easy; don’t undertake it lightly.  Those who adopt should try to maintain some connection with the birth family and/or find out as much as possible about the biological origins of the child.  Recognize that adoption is not the same as raising your biological child.  Adoption is both a wonderful and difficult experience for all involved.