Solemate Author: Lauren Mackler

Q: Where are you from?
I grew up in the old whaling city of New Bedford, Massachusetts but left home at 14. I struggled through school and moved to Los Angeles at 17 to pursue a singing career. At 23 I married and later moved to Europe, where my former husband is from. I returned to the Boston area in 1995, following the end of my marriage.   

Q: What's the biggest accomplishment you achieved on your own?
Raising my two amazing children. My daughter is 25 and works for a non-profit in the environmental sustainability field. My son is 23, and lives in Japan teaching English. He’ll be coming back next year to go to Harvard Law School and wants to work in the public sector. Both are incredibly loving, compassionate, and successful young adults, committed to doing good work in the world. As you can tell, I’m very proud of them!  

Q: What inspired you to write your book, “Solemate?”
Because I had built my life, career, financial security, and emotional well-being on my husband and his life—I moved to his country, worked as a therapist in his business, and let him handle all our finances—my life, career, security, and self-esteem collapsed along with the marriage. After hitting bottom, I sold everything I owned to pay for flight tickets, and the children and I returned to the U.S. in 1995. I was emotionally devastated, penniless, and terrified, with no means to provide for myself or my children.

Stuck in a small town with limited resources, I realized I had to find a way to climb out of my emotional and financial abyss. I created a “self-renewal program” for myself, comprised of specific daily activities, goals, and action steps that, over time, not only changed my life, but changed me. When I realized that my program could help others, I turned it into a workshop called Mastering the Art of Aloneness in 1998. A few years ago someone suggested that I turn the workshop into a book, which became Solemate.

Q: What advice do you offer to men and women who feel as though they will never meet the one?
The one person you can never get away from—that you know with 100% certainty will be with you until you draw your last breath on earth—is yourself. And yet, most people spend more energy on their relationships with others than they do on their relationship with themselves.

Instead of trying to find your ideal partner, it makes more sense to become the partner you seek. Becoming the partner you seek means turning your focus on yourself and your own life, instead of trying to find someone else to fill your voids or provide the life of your dreams. By developing the personal qualities, behaviors, and life circumstances you’d want to find in a partner in yourself and your own life, if and when a mate turns up you can engage in that relationship from a place of wholeness, conscious choice, and independence—instead of from a place of desperation, neediness, or fear. You’ll also be busy living your life instead of waiting for Prince or Princess Charming to make your life happen.

Q: What is the biggest lesson you have learned through your work in the singles community?
That most singles experience their aloneness as a negative state—something to avoid or remedy—versus as a tremendous opportunity to embrace. This is because no one ever taught them how to create a happy, fulfilling, and financially secure life on their own. My mission with Solemate is to help others reclaim the innate wholeness with which we’re all born, and develop the self-awareness and life skills to create a happy and fulfilling life—with or without a partner.

Q: Loneliness is definitely an issue when it comes to living alone. What are some ways in which people can learn to cope with those feelings?
Loneliness is rooted in core limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors learned in childhood that contaminate our lives as adults. For example, if someone carries a core belief of “I’m not good enough”, their habitual behavior will be to be very self-critical, reinforcing how bad their feel about themselves. People with low self-esteem tend to isolate themselves from others, resulting in feelings of loneliness.

The best remedy for loneliness is to develop a loving and caring relationship with yourself, treating yourself with the same compassion and care that you would toward someone you loved. This develops the self-esteem and confidence to go out in the world, actively participate in your life, and engage with others. The more fully you’re living your life, the less time you’ll spend at home alone feeling alone, unworthy, and forsaken by the world.  

Q: Any tips on mastering the art of being with oneself?
Treat yourself like you would a most cherished partner. Make your bed for yourself everyday so you can enjoy getting into a freshly-made bed at night; prepare yourself a cup of tea with the same loving intention that you’d have if preparing it for your lover; express to yourself out loud how much you admire and appreciate the woman or man you are. Loving actions you do for yourself build self-respect and self-love, and will make being with yourself a joy instead of a painful or empty experience.

Q: How does being alone impact men differently than women?
Based on my coaching work, I’ve learned that men suffer in their aloneness as much as women, but aren’t as likely to let others know it. Men are usually conditioned not to express their emotions, so although they struggle with the same feelings of fear and loneliness as women, they’re less inclined to share their feelings with others.

Q: Any projects you are currently working on that would be of interest to our readers?
I’m currently designing my new Illumineering™ Coach Training program, to train other professionals in the Illumineering™ technique. Illumineering™ is the coaching method I developed that integrates family systems work, psychodynamic psychology, and coaching to help people free themselves from the shackles of their life conditioning and create the lives to which they aspire.

Other things that keep me busy are my weekly Life Keys radio show on hayhouse.com and my coaching practice. Since this about Solemate, I should let your readers know that I’ll be offering the Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life workshop in Tampa, Florida this November 22nd at the Hay House I CAN DO IT! Conference, and at Kripalu in Lenox, MA this November 27th-29th.    

Q: Any other advice you would like to offer to our readers?
Pursue the life you want and deserve. Many people settle for less than their heart’s desire out of fear, feelings of unworthiness, or simply not knowing what actions to take next. They stay stuck because they don’t know how to move beyond their self-defeating patterns. I wrote Solemate to provide a clear roadmap to help people override their conditioned self, reclaim their wholeness, and enable them to become the person they were born to be.  

Life, career, and relationship coach Lauren Mackler is the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life and host of the weekly Life Keys radio show on www.hayhouseradio.com. She is the creator of Illumineering™, a groundbreaking method integrating family systems work, psychodynamic psychology, and coaching to help people free themselves from the shackles of their life conditioning, and create the personal and professional lives to which they aspire. Visit Lauren’s website at www.laurenmackler.com.