Q: Best thing to happen to you since you started your blog TheUrbanDater?

I’d like to say that great riches befell me and that I’ve been interviewed by Morning Talk Show Hosts with legs for miles and that I’ve done book signings. However, that would not be accurate. I’ve been interviewed by one shifty fellow from Beirut who only wanted to see how my feet were, I’ve been approached to do podcasts. However, the most rewarding thing that’s happened to me since I started the Urban Dater was having my mom and her friends discuss my blog articles over holiday dinner.  Can you say awkward?


Q: Most popular question you receive from female readers and what’s your response?

This one's heart breaking because as much as I like to joke when serious matters are brought up, because I’m so mature, there's really no way to make heart break funny... I mean, I've tried and it never works! The question I get most is "How do I know if my man really loves me?" My answer is the same everytime: Threesome. If you give him a threesome he will love you. If, however, a threesome is out of the question because of how selfish you are then look at what your man does. How does he act? Does he do things that bring you closer together or push you further apart?


Q: Can you recommend a hot date night dish for those who are getting ready to cook for someone for the first time?

I'm not a good cook by any means. I'll tell you, though; women really love a man in the kitchen. They do! They see a guy going back and forth, preparing something for them to delight in (hopefully) and women think it's cute; they think it's adorable and sexy. Women EAT IT UP!! Even if it’s broccoli in a bowl!! However, don't kill the good vibes with bad food. I would choose something simple. My go-to dinner is Mediterranean fare. Home made hummus or tabbouleh are incredibly easy to make and can be done in about twenty minutes or less! A simple grilled chicken salad with bright veggies (I’m told women like bright colors and shiny objects) and some olive oil and you're good to go! It’s simple and it’s fresh and lends the appearance that a guy took a lot of time to prepare a meal that really didn’t take long at all.


Q: “Friends should not let friends text drunk.” How else should/can friends play dating interference?

It's weird how often "threesome" is the correct answer to most any dilemma. That would certainly work on me on any day ending in ‘Y.’ Offer a threesome. Try it. I double dog dare you!!


Q: How can people use Twitter to expand their dating pool?

I love Twitter, obviously! Twitter is amazing because it’s so easy to join in any conversation about any topic of interest. With the way it allows us to search we can find interesting people talking about OUR interests as far or as close to us as we want. Hash tags are your friends. Be specific in what you want, avoid obvious keywords like #dating #dates because you’ll find a healthy dose of people advertising services and goods or blogs (kinda like me). Do lookup your favorite venues on twitter, see what they tweet about, look at their hash tag usage and start searching that hash tag or related tags and see what you get. In no time you’ll find people talking about the things YOU want to talk about. Don’t believe me? Do your worst and see what you can find by searching Twitter: search.twitter.com/advanced


Q: Three signs that the person you are dating is about to get psycho on you?

Psychotic people share a few key attributes:

1. Spontaneous crying at the most awkward times.
2. Fascination with lighting shit on fire.
3. Inconvenient Internal Clock.

So, imagine the following scenario:
You’re watching ‘the Hangover,’ a comedy, when you notice your beau start to tear up at the part where Zach Galifinakis gets tazered in the face. Weird, right? Yet you go on to having post movie coitus. Oh, it’s a thing of beauty until you notice a whimper. You inquire if everything is okay only to see a river of tears streaming from a lakebed of sorrow.  What is this!?  Something is going on in their mind, they confide and it’s about the movie. Do you ask the follow up? Do you? They’re still crying and you want to be sensitive. “Honey, did the tazer to Zach Galifinakis’ face, um, upset you?” That’s when the tears break out into a complete f*cking flood. Get to your ark, young one; but no. You awkwardly comfort your partner with a bewildered look strapped to your face, ignoring the signs that your lover might be koo koo.

Fast forward to 3am; in a scene right out of ‘Paranormal Activity’ your kissy-face friend is standing above you while you sleep. You’re then pulled into consciousness by the shrill beeping of a fire alarm! You see your creepy bed buddy standing beside you making a bonfire out of what used to be your wardrobe!!! “What in the f*ck are you doing,” laughed the horrified adult. “Tazers are no laughing matter!! Thousands of people are hurt every year by tazers,” said the psychopath, quite matter of factly. At this point you take a moment to mull the logic of what your psychopath has said… You realize that the signs were there all along.


In short:
1.    Weird sleep schedule
2.    Pyromaniac
3.    Cries at watching comedies.


Q: Dating on the West Coast is better or worse than anywhere else because….

I've talked to many who have dated on both coasts. Generally speaking, people tend to say that dating on the East Coast is much easier. Just finding a date on the East Coast is easier. People are crammed together! People are more up front, there is less guess work. There's more single people in NYC than any other Metro area in the US! In fact, the majority of the Urban Dater's readership hails from NYC. In So. Cal we’re more spread out, so distance + traffic = convenience issues. I think the attitude in West Coast dating is different in that people are not as up front with who they are and what their intentions are.


Q: Your favorite local spot for drinks with (a) friends (b) a date (c) lots of pretty (or famous) faces

Date ideas are probably one of my favorite topics of discussion. One of my favorite spots for drinks with friends is a place my girlfriend introduced me to, in Pasadena. It’s called ‘T-Boyles.’ It’s in an alley, near a van down by the river. Ok, maybe there’s no river, but there is an alley. It’s a cool place where you can roll in wearing hair rollers and boxers and no one looks at you funny. We all need a local spot like that where you just BLEND. For a date, I’ve got a few spots in a few spots. I’ve got coffee spots, I’ve got drink spots and I’ve got dinner spots. If the gal I’m meeting just wants to meet for a “feeler” kind of date then I’ve got two coffee places that do the trick: Back to the Grind and McClain’s. They’re independently owned and very big on student art displays and live music. For drinks and Dinner: Lola Gaspar or Gabby’s. These places both feature Spanish fare and great locations and décor. It’s amazing what an important role a venue can have on a date. To see pretty faces, I’ve got my spot. It’s the Gypsy Den. @Winkwinkzoe laughs at me because she knows why I go. The women. So many lovely women frequent the Gypsy Den for lunch. It’s an endless parade of loveliness. It’s really not fair to have so many lovely women to look at while trying to eat lunch.


Q: Key to staying grounded amidst all the social media flutter?

Social Media constantly keeps us in the know with information and news. It keeps us engaged to the world around us. The problem with that is that we become fixed to our phones! How many times have you gone out for drinks or food with friends and notice that you are on your phone? Or that your friend is on theirs? When one of you reaches for your phone, it’s almost instinctive that the other person reaches for theirs! Finding balance is huge. Being able to say “put the phone away” is becoming more and more important. I observe this practice when hanging out with my friends now.


Q: Any other words of wisdom?

Going back to the question about where I’d take a date; I’ve long said where you take your date says a lot more about you than you think, whether you realize it or not. Taking a girl to coffee at Starbuck’s or the locally owned hole-in-the-wall is a pretty huge difference, even if you’re only meeting up for coffee. Where you go for a date is a reflection on your tastes, your thoughtfulness and overall intrigue. Choose your venue wisely. ;)

Check out The Urban Dater blog by clicking here.

Q: So glad we came across SoloMag.com.  Why do you think it is so important to offer this type of resource?

The population seems to be steadily growing in the singles category and I believe it’s important to encourage single women to really focus on themselves instead of putting so much pressure on them to meet someone and settle down. Marriage isn’t necessarily for everyone and while I hope that our readers all find happiness and contentment in whatever lifestyle they choose – I also want to encourage them to embrace their single status and take advantage of it. Relationships are work – including the one you have with yourself. It’s important to do the things that make you happy with no regrets, and waiting for Mr. Right to do the big things that you dream about might cause you to miss out entirely.

Q: What is the number one request you receive from your readers and how do you service their needs?
More content around single women who are living a fulfilling single life and more resources and information for things they can do alone – travel, child-rearing, etc. So we look at providing more profiles and articles that focus on these women and their situations. I think we all need to feel a sense of community – especially when being single can make you feel alone at times. Solomag is hoping to help build a community for single women.

Q: What percentage of Canadians is single and why do you this is a lifestyle shift for many individuals?
I saw a stat in the National Post (Canadian newspaper) a few years ago; at the time it was a shockingly high number – 51%.  We look at this number not as a rising number due to lack of opportunity to meet someone but rather we are starting to see that there are so many things we can do on our own and we have so much more freedom to do so (traveling for work, relocating, taking the trip of your dreams the way you want it to be, etc). Women’s attitudes are changing when it comes to partnerships and settling down. We are no longer willing to settle in order to have the traditional family role. The family role model is changing as well. So women are willing to take bigger risks in order to lead their lives the way they want. This doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in meeting someone and partnering up. It means they are looking for a partner who will enhance and add value to their lives instead of becoming the center of their existence.

Q: What are some of the obstacles - -  legal, medical and financial - -  that unmarried individuals face in Canada, and are any reform policies being implemented to better accommodate their needs?
If you click here and read the article "Through sickness and through health" we see that the government is starting to recognize the lifestyle of singles, especially when it comes to health care. Singles are now able to take advantage of Compassionate Care if they or a loved one becomes devastatingly ill and need someone to help them. A big fear of singles is being alone during a situation like this but they can now designate a close friend or family member to help with that role.

Financially there are the usual hurdles of trying to get a mortgage on a single income and even more challenging is trying to get a mortgage as a small business owner on a single income. Financial Institutions are only just starting to really recognize this market through their products.

Single women managing it all on a single income are less likely to spend their money on financial advice. We are also not the best at budgeting our finances because it takes away all of the fun. We work hard and we deserve to play hard and pamper ourselves.

Financial institutions now have built in calculators to help us to take a pulse check on your financial health. Automatic payments into RRSP programs are helpful in forcing us to put money towards our retirement. Most importantly though, we need to be more educated in stocks, bonds and investing overall. There is a real need for more education outside of industry courses.


Q: Who are some of the most inspiring local singles that you have had the good fortune of interviewing?
Jennifer Galardi who is a very spirited workout diva, talented entrepreneur and nationally recognized star of six best-selling dance/fitness DVD's. She is motivated and makes exercising fun. She’s also American!

Erin Bolger is Canada’s own Pastry Pro and has recently launched her incredibly funny and very tasty book – The Happy Baker – A Girls Guide to Emotional Baking. This is a great cookbook for single women that teaches the joys of baking - with some fabulously witty recipe names. She recently won the Gourmand Cookbook award for best dessert cookbook in Canada.

I have had the pleasure of interviewing so many inspiring women who took great risks to pursue their dreams. We profile them in our Career section under “Solo Profiles.” They all fill me with admiration, hope and possibility!

Q: In terms of solo travel, what are some must-see off-the-radar cities or spots you recommend to those planning to visit?
If you’re coming to Canada you should always try to find those places that are off the beaten path. In Ontario and British Columbia – don’t miss out on wine country. Experience great wines and the vineyards are always putting on some great events such as Yoga in the Vineyard or Shakespeare in the Vines. Prince Edward County is just south of Ottawa and is rich with beauty, culture and a list of things to do that will keep you occupied for days.  Old Quebec City is just glorious – beautiful architecture, rich Quebec culture and history and fabulous food and wine! The best thing to do when coming to Canada is to try to find some great travel blogs that share real ‘insider’ information. It’s always better to find out where the locals love to eat and play.

Q: Some of the best dating sites are operated out of Canada. Which ones do you recommend to our readers?
Lavalife and eHarmony are the biggest sites that I hear the most about. I have personally been to about 7 Lavalife wedding in the past few years. Online dating is hard and it takes a tough constitution but the proof is in there that it does work for some.

Q: Any special events or promotions you would like to pass on to our readers?
Nothing at the moment but I will be doing a lingerie give away – I will have this info by early next week.

Q: Any other words of wisdom?
You may not be single forever so embrace it and enjoy the freedom while you have it because if you can’t enjoy spending time with yourself – how can you expect anyone else to enjoy spending time with you? My mom told me that and it has been the most valuable advice I ever received.

Q: Nandoism.com is an amazing platform for gay and straight singles. To what do you attribute the popularity and continued success of your brand?

The brand itself is sexless. It's not about being Gay or straight--it's about relationships issues. The majority of my readers are straight females -- 85%; that's a whole lotta vagina on my site! My blog consists of tips, advice and personal stories in dating that anyone can relate to. We've all been dumped, stood up, celebrated a great date, cried over a bad one--anyone who dates goes through the same crap--unless you're Bristol Palin--that chick has her own set of drama!

I did have another female blogger say to me a year ago--"I'd read your blog, but I'm a straight female, what would I ever learn from a Gay man on relationships?" Fast-forward to today, she's still single--I'm not. Maybe she should come back?

I'm a dating, sex and relationship blogger who just happens to be Gay. And yes, Gay is capitalized. Besides, I'm Mexican too--and who doesn't love a Mexican?


Q: You are a serious social media guru. Has going public helped or hurt your love life?

It's funny you mention that, I just had a friend who YouTubed his "I'm single again confession" after he broke up with his boyfriend--they dated for two months and I thought--wow, he had to go public with it because he had been so open about it on his blog. And the thought frightened me a bit because I had never thought about that part of social media.

I slowly introduced my readers to my boyfriend--whom you met and said--and I quote, "Oh my God, You're hot!" when we went out on our first date. It really was an intense evening filled with sparks, nerves and lots of laughter. Readers have followed our relationship as it grows. And it's real--I write about our fights--only if there's a lesson to them--my blog isn't a "here's my relationship take a peek inside" but more of a "Damn it, I screwed up again; learn from me and don't repeat the same mistake."

When we go to events--people want to meet him, so for him it's a new limelight that he's so not comfortable with nor do I think he'll get used to--which is the mark of a good man, in my opinion. Why? Because I don't like sharing the spotlight. Did I say that out loud?


Q: We understand you have a book underway. Can you tell us a little bit more about it?

The book is all about Gayships--the relationship between a straight woman and her Gay. It's a straight forward guide book on how to pick your Gay from the 9 types of Gays that are out there. It's going to change the world--or at least my bank account.


Q: How have your Mexican roots influenced your passion for life and love?

I was adopted at birth. I was three hours old when I was illegally crossed into Texas, where my adoptive parents were waiting for me. So being Mexican is where it all started. It allows me the freedom to do and say what I want. But it took time to get there--because we were taught to not have a voice. We were supposed to "just be happy" with what we were given, in any situation. I understand where that fear comes from and I see it in my own boyfriend--he's Mexican as well. But there comes a time when you come into your own and you discover your voice and baby, when you do--there's no turning back. We are a passionate people and that drives my every move, from work, play and love.


Q: Give three reasons why every woman needs a gay man for a best friend?
I can give you 12, but I'll start with the three main ones. A Gay will be there for his girl no matter what. There is no time reference in a gayship, it's all or nothing. I've been "gaying" for my girl Cris for over 26 years and when she calls, I answer.

A Gay will not judge. Women judge each other nonstop. From, the clothes you wear to the 3 lbs you just gained. Not to say a Gay won't set you straight--no pun intended--when you need your ass kicked. But there is a difference between a little tough love and being judged.

There's no competition with your Gay. Girlfriends will rip each other apart--I know, I see it all the time. In fact, when you turn your back, a woman will whisper something about you ASAP! It's fun to watch actually, I just had my cable disconnected, cause honey, I get all the drama I need just by hanging out at blogger events! Put five women bloggers in a room together and watch the claws come out! Who needs Cablevision for that?


Q: You offer some pretty clever beauty advice. Can you give our male readers some tips on manscaping?

Take it from Nike and "just do it"! Especially if you have back hair. Back hair shouldn't exist in today's time. There was a need for it originally, to keep warm in the the caveman days but it's 2010, that's what your space heater is for, not your back!

Q: What about gay dating ideas for dummies?

Gays, stop trying so hard to find Mr. Right. Focus on your career, nourish your talents, and save your money. Mr. Right will come along when you stop looking.


Q: What are 3 tell-tale signs that a man you are dating is gay?
I'm taking this from a guest post featured on Nandoism.com

1.  If he drinks martinis he’s gay.
2.  If the martini is an exotic fruit he’s SUPER gay.
3.  If he wears thongs and isn’t a professional stripper, he’s gay.


Q: How can women get over their phobias and learn how to embrace the penis?

I don't think they can. Sorry. You either love the penis or you don't. Same goes for Miracle Whip.


Q: Secret spots to meet men or women in NYC if you are not yet out of the closet?

Good Lord, just stepping out of your door you meet Gays. The trick is to have good gaydar--which I never had. My gaydar is so bad--that I'd have to ask during sex, "So, are you Gay?" We're everywhere, if you really want a closeted Gay, try a Catholic Church.


Q: Any other words of wisdom?
Men, when it comes to love--use your head, not your pee-pees!

Q: It appears as though you have drawn a lot of wisdom from your Mom.  How has her advice shaped your life as a single man in New York City?

My parents' relationship forms the basis of all my concepts on love. They're the reason I've never cheated on a woman, why I believe the second you stop "dating" your partner, your relationship starts to die. But Mom is something special. Her capacity for compassion is rivaled only by her intolerance for bullshit. The single best piece of advice she ever gave me is also the hardest to apply: never love anybody more than they love you. I'm still figuring out how to practice that; I've never been good at mixing passion and practicality.

Q: Given the relationship you have with your mother, what would you do if she did not approve of someone you were dating seriously?

Mom lives by a strict non-interference policy. She knows that, like her, I'll listen intently to what everyone (including she) has to say, and then I'm gonna do what the hell I want. But I'd have to look carefully at someone she didn't like; her instincts are rarely wrong.

Q: On your blog F*ckin in Brooklyn the tagline reads “Love as a Life or Death Experience”   - what can you tell us about the emotions that fall in between?

In-between lies the entire human experience. How you give and accept love defines your character, which love hones, whether you want her to or not. Love has taught me (among other things) humility, forgiveness, patience and courage, sometimes in the least delicate way possible. If you're smart, you accept her lessons and you grow. Love owes you no favors; the sword does not curse the grinding wheel for being abrasive.

Q: Now that we understand how you define love, can you tell us your thoughts on friendship?

Whoever said blood is thicker than water clearly never met my friends. Friends are the family that you choose. Lovers come and go, but friends are there through it all, if you've chosen well. And if a friend becomes a lover, what could be better?

Q: Your first marriage left you devastated financially and emotionally. How did you find the strength to start over?

After I crawled out of a bottomless bottle of overproof rum, I put myself in therapy. When that failed to lift me out of despondency, I turned to my first love, music, and began to pour myself into songwriting. Then one day, a miracle happened: right in the middle of a project, my computer died. My data was irretrievable; I had no choice but to start over from the beginning. That was the epiphany: once you finish mourning the future that never was and never will be, you're free to create a future entirely of your own choosing.

Q: What were some of the critical lessons you learned during this time?

I remember feeling like a complete failure when my marriage ended. In the shadow of my parents 56 year marriage, the paltry four years I eked out was shameful, embarrassing. It took me a long time to realize it takes two to make it work; it only takes one to f*ck it up beyond all recognition. Also critical was overcoming the fear of feeling again. Becoming emotionally inaccessible is a sure way to deflect some sorrows, but you sacrifice an equal amount of joy in the process. I learned to embrace the intractable honesty of my scars as the metaphysical narrative of my life. They are badges of honor; proof positive I've lived, loved, lost and survived. And I learned to protect my credit rating.

Q:  You dabbled for some time as a model – how did that experience affect your idea of beauty?

I was an awkward kid: I had a diasthema and a speech impediment. I was convinced girls would never like me for my looks, so I worked hard on being well rounded. When I fell ass backwards into modeling, it didn't change my opinion of myself. As for my dating life: being constantly surrounded by beautiful women made me oblivious to it. In New York City pretty bodies are commonplace; beautiful souls are far harder to find.

Q: You really have a gift with words. Are there any books, classes or groups that have helped you hone your skills as a creative writer?

I'm unlettered; a product of the New York City public school system. I am however, a total book whore (which I blame on Mom for reading to me from infancy). I think the general rule is: if you want to write great stuff, read great stuff. Most importantly, remember: human experience is not unique. Anybody can recount events, it's all how you tell the story. Great stories remain long after the protagonists are gone and the events have been lost to antiquity.

Q: If there is such a thing as a perfect first date, what would yours be?

An uncrowded restaurant. Conversation without pretense. Laughter, sharing, discovering a genuine connection. A long walk whilst holding hands, a goodnight kiss. Floating home on the promise of what's to come.

Q: Any other words of wisdom?

Nothing great in life is accomplished by timidity. Live boldly, take risks. Don't be afraid to lose, it's easier to live with mistakes than regrets. F*ck your ego, screw your pride. Love hard, learn to let go.



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Love as a Life or Death Experience
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