The Art of Rediscovering Self: For Jennifer from Connecticut doing it solo is worth it, good or bad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: Where do you live?
I live in Enfield, Connecticut.

Q: Biggest accomplishment you achieved on your own?
Just being on my own and doing it well is a huge accomplishment. When I was 20, I moved out of my parent's house and in with the boyfriend I would eventually marry. I was married for 14 years.  I never lived on my own until I was 35. And I think the fear of falling on my face and not being able to make it on my own kept me in my marriage for many years longer than I should have stayed.

But I am making it. I've learned how to create a budget. I've paid off all of my debt and I have saved a down payment for a house. I'm in the process of rebuilding my credit so I can qualify for a mortgage.

I am amazed at the little ways I have become independent over the last 2 1/2 years. I mow my own lawn. I switched the hinges and door handles on the refrigerator when I moved so the door would open in the right direction. I even fixed the window in the kitchen when the entire lower sash fell out!

Q: What inspired you to start writing your blog?
I had been in therapy during the entire divorce proceedings - 18 months. Then the divorce was over, I was no longer in therapy, and my thoughts and feelings no longer had an outlet. So, I started my blog. There's so much that happens in a single parent's life - funny, sad, easy, hard, being a parent, rediscovering singledom. It's a lot to balance.

No one in my life has the same situation that I have. My parents didn't divorce until my sister and I were grown and parents ourselves. My friends are either still married, or divorced but don't share custody with their former spouse. I know my situation is not unique, but in my little corner of real life, it is.  By blogging about my experiences, I hope to be able to connect with others in a similar situation, and bounce ideas off of each other.

Q: Based on your experience, how can parents make divorce easier on their kids?
I really wish that my ex and I had been able to maintain some type of friendship, or at least a semblance of civility toward each other. Unfortunately, we have been unable to do this, and I know it has been hard on our children.

I would recommend just listening to your kids. Don't grill them about what happens at the other parent's house, but just listen to them and be supportive when they want to talk.

Q: Are there any divorce books or resources that you would like to recommend to women going through divorce?
I read The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. It is not a book about divorce per se, but it is a book that has improved my entire life by getting me to focus on my goals and the steps necessary to get there.

I also had my therapist, and my family. My family were rocks, and the foundation that I built my new life on.


Q: Name a hobby, activity or guilty pleasure that always gets you out of a bad mood.
Karaoke. I love going to the local pub, hanging out with friends and singing to my heart's content!

Q: Best place for solo parents to meet members of the opposite sex? What about new friends?
I don't know.  If someone does, please let me know!

Q: What is the single most important lesson you learned by being a single mom?
I have really awesome kids. By being able to focus on just them when they are here, I've realized how smart, compassionate, and just plain awesome they really are.

We have a game we play. When they ask for something and I say, "No," they ask "Why?" Instead of saying, "Because I said so," I tell them, "Because I am the meanest mother on Earth." They then take turns telling me why I'm not the meanest mom on Earth. Just today, my son said "You bought us bikes," and my younger daughter piped up, "And we're going to the pumpkin patch!" I realize they appreciate the things I do for them, and they realize that I am a great mom!

Right after my ex remarried, my son asked me when they were going to get a stepfather. I realized right then and there that I'm not ready to share them with someone else. I adore the time they are here, and maybe it's selfish or maybe I'm a martyr, but I'm not ready to give that up for a relationship with a man.

Q: What do you love about being single?
Everything! I love decorating my place the way I want, pink bedroom and all. I love that everything is easier. I would have thought that it would have been harder  or “more work“ without having a second adult around, but the opposite has proven true. There are no expectations of the other "responsible adult" carrying half of the work load, and not coming through. If the trash doesn't go out to the corner, it's my fault. If the house isn't clean, it's my fault. But when things go right, I get all of the credit for that. All of the blame, and all of the credit. What's not to love?

Q: Any other words of wisdom?
Find a therapist and take the time to analyze your role in the failure of the marriage. Take things slow. Rediscover yourself, your single self. Not mom, not wife, but you. Remind yourself of the hobbies and activities that brought you joy and happiness before you got married, but somehow, you lost along the way. You are in there.  Find yourself and soar!

Please visit Jennifer's Blog: Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom