There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Q:  Why did you choose an image of a goldfish for the cover of your book “Be the One?”
You break up.  A kind friend will try to console you by saying “There are plenty more fish in the sea.” You are one of many fish too.  The book is about being that one fish! I also wanted to create a book and a cover that passed ‘the guy test.’ In other words, would a guy be prepared to read the book in public?!  I wanted a cover that was ‘gender neutral’ – which it is.


Q: Can you explain how 21st century “supply and demand” will affect the singles population?
There are now so many single people in the world – more than EVER before. London and New York seem to be the single capitals of the world. I was shocked to hear that in New York there are even 200,000 more single women than single guys. That fundamentally changes the so called laws of ‘supply and demand.’  The law of supply and demand says “as supply increases its perceived value decreases."

For example, if you live and decide to stay in a small town where there are far fewer potential partners to choose from, the ‘value’ of each potential partner increases. So you either choose from the pool of the best talent, move away or go without! In a place like New York where you are competing with a large number of available, hot and smart single people and you want a meaningful relationship – you HAVE to be better than the competition – you have to be more valuable! Looking as amazing as possible is and always will be important for the first stage – getting noticed. But that’s a very short term solution. People also need to stand out from the crowd in other, less obvious ways. It’s about learning to be more appealing and attractive from the inside out. If you look great, but you’re a scumbag or bitch, you will get replaced – over and over again. As I say in the book ‘You become the ex in n-ex-t!’

“How to Be The One” has been written to help men and women look inside themselves and build a strong ‘emotional core’ in order to become someone (without any deception or manipulation) for whom another person would choose to stop their search for a long-term partner. They become ‘worth’ more not only to themselves but to potential partners too. This is a different approach to dating.  Ask yourself, have the other ways worked? Would this new approach make me feel better in myself and also help me get into a great long term relationship?

Q: Everyone has a set of dating ‘rules’ by which they play. Why do you think some these rules should be broken?

I think the key part of your question is the word ‘play.’ Dating tends to be ‘play time’ for a lot of people. That’s fine if BOTH parties want to ‘play’ but if you want something less superficial and more long-term and mutually committed, playing games simply won’t work. Tricking potential partners into believing you are someone you are not simply helps divorce lawyers make more money! 

Some of these so-called “Rules” are sets of behaviors you would only use on people you don’t even like! Having techniques or ‘rules’ to trap unsuspecting people is for desperate, artificial people who seem unable to think beyond what THEY want or need from a relationship. The best relationships are always based on trust, commitment and equal responsibility. Being dishonest by having a personal agenda will NEVER lead to long-term happiness for both parties - no matter how you try to ‘spin it.’ This is why my book focuses so much on what you can do to become a more appealing person for yourself. Once that happens, you become a more appealing person from the inside – and you can be confident enough to ditch any rules or techniques!


Q: We live in a “me” society which makes the transition to “we” all the more difficult. What is the key step towards change?
I believe in threesomes. Me, you and ‘the relationship (the ‘we.’)

When you are a single person, you have to make all your own decisions. You are in charge and not answerable to anyone else. You develop your own ‘little ways.’ That’s being the ‘me.’ If you’ve been single for a while, there’s a possibility that your ‘little ways’ becoming ‘big ways.’ And you get locked into ‘your way, or no way.’ This inflexibility keeps you into a ‘Me’ mentality.

1.     Recognizing how you perceive your own behavior is the first step towards making a change towards the ‘we’ mentality.

2.     Acknowledge that ‘me’ has served you well up to this point.  When you embark on a meaningful relationship, the ‘me’ part must remain a part of your life (don’t ever be a doormat!) so…

3.     The next step is creating space in your life for ‘the relationship.’ It’s about each party pouring equal attention and energy into the relationship ‘vase.’ That’s how the ‘we’ starts to grow. And if you stop watering it, everything will wilt!


Q: What is a healthier emotional response to imploding or exploding that individuals should strive to achieve?
We all feel under-appreciated or hurt at times. Screaming and shouting at the world or those closest to us is the way some respond to not getting what they think they want, while others internalize their hurt and ‘implode.’ This often leads to feeling bitter about how reality simply refuses to conform to the way we would prefer things to be. So a healthier emotional response would be to accept reality – and the good news is you don’t have to strive for that! It just is!

When people implode they are not honestly communicating their feelings to their partners, emotions good and bad are locked inside. Negative emotions build up over time and eventually erupt. A far better approach is to have the assertiveness to express what you are thinking, and feeling before you ‘explode’ inwardly and also what you want from the relationship. This is directly related to self-esteem and attitude, which I cover in a lot of detail in the book.

Exactly the same principles apply when people explode.

Q: Happiness for many single individuals is often compromised by family pressure. How can people tune out the noise and embrace their solo status?

Being truly single can be fantastic; the freedom to be and do what you like. Unfortunately, too many single people look at being single as a ‘waiting room’ in their life. They yearn for a ‘better’ life, as a non-single person. This is tragic. Your life is what it is. If you are single, live your single life to the fullest. Do all of those things you want to do while you can. Enjoy yourself, have fun, experience what life has to offer before family commitments make it less easy. For example, if you want to travel  - do it while you can. Having children doesn’t make travel impossible, but it certainly makes it far less likely. I would offer a few words of warning though. I’ve known quite a few single people who over-fill their lives, and become addicted to ‘fun’ because they yearn for non-single status.  Fun for them becomes a symptom of a life of quiet desperation. By learning to enjoy life as a single person at a deeper level (by strengthening your emotional core) you become someone who another special single person would choose to be with. Insightful people can pick up on those who are on a mission to find a wife or a husband. It can be a bit off-putting.  By strengthening your emotional core you also have the confidence and self-esteem to help tune out the pressures that families can inadvertently put on their children.


Q: What should men and women be mindful of in the first three months of any relationship?
People are invariably on their ‘best behavior’ during this period so you may not see the ‘real’ person. Don’t compare this new person with the perfect fantasy figure you’ve created in your head. Accept whoever they are for who they are, not who you think you’d prefer them to be. Don’t ever try to change anyone.  Don’t allow the pain from past relationship to interfere with how this new relationship may go. Start fresh.
Do you each have mutual respect? Do you share the same values? And do you want what’s best for each other? And importantly, how to you resolve your inevitable differences? How open are each of you to finding a workable solution to your differences? This is an essential part of a successful long-term relationship.

Q: Do you believe that love at first sight can be long-lasting?
‘Love’ at first sight is a myth. Instant attraction is more accurate. If that attraction is mutual and isn’t just confined to physical attraction, and each person is committed to making it work – then yes, it can be long-lasting and happy.

Q: Any other words of wisdom?
Lots. I’d like to think that they are in the book!

Not sure this is ‘wisdom’ as such but I’d really like it if more women would talk to guys about what the guys want from a relationship – if their eyes glaze over it’s a sign that they aren’t really interested in anything long-term. For those guys who want to talk about it, you could be helping them more than you think.