Too Much of the Kinky Stuff

Q: I am dating a man who is into all sorts of kinky stuff. How can I be sure that his fantasies are normal pleasure wishes or if they are border line perverted?

 

 

I hear your concern about whether your boyfriend's fantasies are somewhat unconventional but your most trusted source of reference should be you-what feels comfortable and what doesn't.  

Never play out a fantasy that scares you, hurts you or compromises your sense of self in any way just because your partner dares you or humiliates you (time to ask why you're in the relationship).  If, however, you trust him and there is some curiousity, playfulness and gentleness between you, go ahead, knowing you can say stop at any point and he'll immediately respect your decision because he appreciates you.

What kind of vibe do you get from this guy in general?  Does he seem like someone who can meet your needs and with whom you share things in common in other areas of life?  It would be ideal if you could discuss your dreams, goals, etc and get into fantasies.  Rather than wondering if he's off the scale, ask for details.  If his sexual pleasures are not yours, let him know that you have a need to set limits and not be involved in doing certain things.  It's OK for both of you to fantasize about anything you like, different as they may be, as long as the thoughts and images enhance the pleasure between you, but he should not expect you to act something out if you've tried it and it doesn't work for you.  Best situation-talk and compromise.    


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DISCLAIMER: This format is general in nature and not intended as a personal response to each question nor is it a subtitute for individualized medical or psychological care, diagnosis or treatment.