Being in my Early 40's, successful, not sure Im going to have kids and single, I'm finding the qualities in a man have shifted from those in my 20's and 30's. I'm meeting some great guys, mostly online. They have their stuff together, successful, maybe have kids and possess a ton of the qualities I look for in a partner (fantastic on paper)...but...there's no chemistry, no romantic connection, no physical interest. As much as I try to be open, I know a second date wont stir that spark. If he asks me out again after that first date....what do I say, how do I be honest without hurting his feelings?

I guess I have to ask why a second date wouldn't be an option with some of them. I mean in reality we would all love to have that perfect first date where sparks fly and you get butterflies. But, then we need to come back to reality-that's not always the case. I try not to base my decision about a second date on if there were sparks or not. I look at the date and say did something totally turn me off and is this guy repulsive in any way shape or form. The reason I do not turn away a guy after the first date if it was only okay is because first dates are akward for me. You get so nervous and aren't sure what to say or how to act. Typically, I do not think people really show who they are on the first date which is why I sometimes give a second date a shot. So, maybe keep that in mind if you are turning away guy after guy.

But, if you are turning them away I think there are two ways to do so and that is to be honest and brutally honest. I think it is important to be honest with someone, but I think you have to censor yourself to a point. You should try to remember that they are nervous and maybe the dating thing was new to them. I would be honest but say something like "I'm feeling more of a friendly connection with you right now."

Say something that is a little more generic and truthful at the same time. Remember how it feels to get turned down and try to think of their feelings too. Be true to yourself and to them.

I say go on a second or even third date with the ones who don't have any major objectionable qualities. A good friend of mine didn't feel sparks for a guy guy until their third date. Now they're living together and discussing marriage. Sometimes the spark comes after you know someone better.

I agree with Krittie and Suzanne, sometimes things can turn around on a second date.

Now, if you feel like you really don't want to go, I would just decline and tell them that you had a nice time, but you're not feeling the spark and don't want to waste the dude's time. There's nothing wrong with honesty. It's not like you're telling the guy that the thought of kissing him makes you want to puke on his shoes.

I totally understand what you are going through. You think you found that perfect guy online (successful, nice, kids) but then you meet him and you are not physically attracted. You wish you could be but the spark is just not there. I think if you are 100% sure that you would NEVER be physically interested to the guy, tell him in a nice manner and be completely honest. You could say to him that you thought he was a great guy and had fun but did not feel a connection to him. You could also say it was great getting to know him but you do not see it going anywhere further in the future.

I know it is tough turning down a guy but I think most people have dealt with a similar situation in their life so hopefully he will not be too shocked or upset. I think it is very important to tell him right away rather than dragging it out and leading him on. The longer you wait, the more it will upset him.

If you think there is a slight chance that one day you could change your mind about him, go on the 2nd date. Sometimes after getting more comfortable with a person, the physical attraction will start to come out. I was friends with the guy I was most recently dating for over 3 years and was never physically attracted to him. Once I realized what a great guy he was and how funny he was, I instantly changed my mind. Sometimes you just need time.

If you do go on a 2nd or 3rd date and still feel no physical spark, feel free to use the lines above and break it to him nicely. Good luck and hope everything works out for you!

I see where you're coming from. You want to find the right person, why waste your time when really, nothing's happening. That spark is important.

Just be graceful in your letdown. If possible, I would do it at least over the phone (text or email can be so impersonal, but email is better than a text!). Just tell him he is a great guy, but you just know it wouldn't work out in the long run. Thank him for the nice date you had, and say goodbye. Don't leave the door open for him; you don't need more friends. That is all; you don't have to feel guilty for not feeling the same thing he does.